December 14, 2009 ~ Be Still ~

Last week Camryn and I were on our way home from dance when He is Jealous For Me (don't think that's the name, but whatever...) came on the radio. Camryn loves this song and always says it makes her want to cry. When we got home I turned around to tell her to get all her stuff and her little face was soaking wet with tears. I asked her what was wrong and she sobbed that they were happy tears because she loves that song. When we got inside she was still crying and I told her it was ok for her to cry that sometimes girls just need to cry (got that from my friend Billie who has a daughter who needed to cry once). After a little while she finally calmed down for a few minutes and then busted in tears again. I asked her what in the world was wrong and she said that this time they were sad tears. Fully expecting her to say she missed her brothers, I asked her what she was sad about. My little almost 8 year old baby looked at me with the most desperate look on her face, tears streaming down her face and said "I don't want my Daddy to go to hell". Y'all, never before with all the mess I've gone through, has my heart ever been ripped out like it was in that minute. I just sat down and cried with her. I asked if she wanted to call him and talk to him about it and she said no and then she sobbed out "and I won't see him at Christmas to give him a Bible". In that instance I saw a living example of "faith of child" that the Bible speaks of. She fully believes that giving her daddy a Bible will lead to his salvation. And it might, nothing is impossible with God. We've been praying every night for his salvation and her brothers. Her teacher says she prays for them all the time at school. The other day she came to me with something wrapped in notebook paper and said "I need you to mail this to my daddy". When I looked at it, she had taken one of her children's Bibles (that she has read through at least twice) and wrapped it in notebook paper and wrote on the outside "Daddy, I love you, but please read this". Wow...she's such an example of what I'm supposed to be.
So, rewind a little bit. Before Camryn had this melt down on the way home, I had gotten a text from her dad asking if he could fly her out to Vegas on the 18th then they would go to L.A. on the 19th to visit his cousins and then drive here and be here by the 22nd. I was so torn. I usually just say absolutely not, but for some reason I was considering doing this. When she had this melt down I thought I needed to send her, but I didn't have 100% peace. This is not any normal good hearted daddy, so a decision like this is not easy. I talked to some very good friends and I prayed and cried and prayed and cried and begged God to show me what to do. I went to bed that night thinking a good nights rest will help and I'll wake up with a new perspective, after all, I begged God to show me if I need to send her or not. I woke up the next day and still had no idea what He wanted me to do, say she can go or say she can't go. I was trying to put God in a box. I was telling Him I trusted Him and asking Him to show me what to do, but at the same time I was giving Him two options. Later in the day it came to my mind that I had a conversation with someone not too long ago and that person stated to me that Camryn's dad had his drivers license suspended. And then all at once it hit me and all I could think was "Be Still and know that I am God". I had told Dwight that before I decided if Camryn could go or not I needed a detailed list of what they would be doing and when, a copy of his drivers license and proof of insurance (i know from the past he has issues with doing things legally). He never got that information to me and I found out his license was suspended. If he asked me about her coming again I was going to tell him that he never got me what I needed so I thought he changed his mind. I was just going to let it play out and I was going to "be still and know that He is God" and let him work. I didn't hear anymore from him until this morning when I got a text telling me that he thinks it's best to leave Camryn here because he can't get a plane ticket for her at a cheap price. Those of you who know him know this is not like him.
In this, I learned a valuable lesson. Be still and know that He is God. I don't have to fret and worry and panic, I just need to sit still and let God do God and Andrea do Andrea! He knows what He's doing...this is such a DUH statement but for some reason, it's so hard to grasp that. I'm hoping to get to the point that I automatically Be still and know that He is God, instead of panicing and freaking out and THEN remembering that He is God!

25 Christmas Questions

25 Questions About Christmas

1. Wrapping paper or gift bags?
Wrapping paper....but I usually procrastinate and end up just having to throw the gift in a bag (with lots of thought, just really fast thinking!)

2. Real or Artificial tree?
I'm OBVIOUSLY a fake person! (fake tree, fake boobs etc :) )

3. When do you put up the tree?
Usually the weekend after Thanksgiving, but this year, since I didn't have Camryn that weekend we did it the weekend before Thanksgiving.

4. When do you take the tree down.
Weekend after Christmas...I'm usually tired of it by then

5..Do you like eggnog?
Never tried it, but considering I can't drink whole milk cause it's so think I doubt I would like eggnog

6. Favorite gift as a child?
This is where I get sad because I can't remember anything anymore. I think it would have to be the trampoline.

7. Hardest person to buy for?
Everyone I know!!!!!! Seriously, with the exception of Camryn.

8. Easiest person to buy for?
Oh, oops, Camryn....got a lil ahead of myself up there.

9. Do you have a nativity scene?
Yes, small glass one....the one I got griped at by my child this year for setting it up wrong. I mean Lord forbid the baby Jesus be turned the wrong way or that wise man not be in the same spot as he was on the box...geez!

10. Mail or email Christmas cards.
I do neither. For a couple years I pretended to mail cards. I'd get a picture and have the cards made and then never send them. The past two years I just decided to stop faking myself out and just give up.

11. Worst Christmas gift you received?
probably anything my ex mother in law got me. Just sayin.....I don't collect dolls!

12. Favorite Christmas movie?
So many, White Christmas, Miracle on 34th Street, It's a Wonderful Life, Grinch....and that one on Lifetime where the boy goes in the snow globe....love me some Christmas movies!

13. When do you start shopping for Christmas?
This year it will be on December 18th.....it's always after I get my Christmas bonus at work (thank you Lord for that!!!)

14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present?
Not that I can think of....but it does sound like something I would do!

15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas?
Breakfast casserole and sausage balls!

16. Lights on the tree?
Is this a real question? Does anyone NOT put lights on their tree? I mean, really???? Yes, white lights.

17. Favorite Christmas song?
O Holy Night

18. Travel at Christmas or stay home?
Some of both. This year my schedule actually worked out to go to Alabama and see my family I haven't seen in 6 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So excited!

19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer?
Dasher, Dancer, Prancer Vixen Comet Cupid Donner Blitzen and Rudolph (i couldn't do it, but i cheated off my sisters paper)

20. Angel on tree top or star?
Neither I go for the funky new look of having stuff stick up.

21. Open presents on Eve or morning.
Morning fo sho!

22. Most annoying thing about this time of year?
all the Grinch's that seem to come up....and the fact that people get their panties in a wad if you say MERRY CHRISTMAS instead of happy holidays. UGH!

23. Favorite ornament theme or color?
I have red and sliver, but i like the new red and lime green...or that pretty blue....I dunno yet.

24. Favorite memory of Christmas?
When we got the trampoline and i was so excited I about tackled my sister

when my dad burned all my Christmas gifts by accident...that's right, burned them!

and i feel like this year will make the list when Camryn see's her new puppy!!!

25. What do you want for Christmas?
an umbrella....a cute umbrella! No joke!

November 23, 2009 ~ This song...Oh, this song ~

So I'm sitting in church Sunday when the preachers daughters go up to sing a special. The second I hear the song it took me back to a time in my life that, although it was horrible, I'm thankful for it. When I was married I used to sing this song over and over. I remember being home alone when the boys were at school and the ex was "working" and just sitting in my room sobbing and singing this song...clinging to the words as if my life depended on it. Sunday I tried to fight it, but the tears flowed as I remembered the desperateness I used to feel. It was like every single word I could relate to. It was the hope I needed and the assurance that one day, when I finally learned to depend on Him, I would be freed from the bondage I was in.

"Things change, plans fail.
You look for love on a grander scale.
Storms rise, hopes fade
and you place your bets on another day.
When the going gets tough, when the rides too rough,
when you're just not sure enough.

Jesus will still be there.
His love will never change,
Sure as a steady rain,
Jesus will still be there.
When no one else is true,
He'll still be loving you.
When it looks like you've lost it all
And you haven't got a prayer,
Jesus will still be there.

Time flies, hearts turn,
a little bit wiser from lessons learned.
But sometimes, weakness wins
and you lose your foothold once again.
When the going gets tough, when the rides too rough,
when you're just not sure enough.

Jesus will still be there.
His love will never change,
Sure as the steady rain,
Jesus will still be there,
When no one else is true,
He'll still be lovin' you
When it looks like you've lost it all
and you haven't got a prayer,
Jesus will still be there."

amen and amen

~For Sale~

I'm trying to sell this TV. It's a 32" ilo. Works great. I'm asking $175 obo.

I'm also trying to sell my old wedding set. It's beautiful, 14kt. yellow gold. Total 1.44 ct diamonds. The round center stone is .50ct. It was appraised in 2003 for $2600. I'm sure it would appraise for more now that the price of gold is so high. I'm asking $1500 obo. Thanks to Billie of Moments by Billie for the beautiful pictures of it!

Either of these items would make great Christmas presents! Especially the rings for that lovely lady in your life ;) (see how I pretend a bunch of people read my blog...even men?!?!?!) Feel free to pass my blog along if you know of anyone who might be interested!

November 5, 2009 ~ anyone have some humble pie? ~

Yesterday was mis match day at school. When Camryn got home last night she said that all the kids were talking about her because they said her stuff wasn't mis-matched enough. I told her it was too, that I certainly wouldn't let her wear that on a normal day. My friend Barb was with me and she said "they just couldn't tell because you looked so cute in it". A few minutes later she says this...

"I'm not bragging but I do look pretty cute in everything"

*sigh*

November 2, 2009 ~ Gabriel Austin Ross ~

I didn't have Camryn this weekend, so I spent the weekend with my BFF Barb and got to keep Gabe!!! He is the most precious thing ever and of course the closest thing to a boy I will ever have since I have decided I do not want anymore children. Anyway, Saturday was halloween so of course he had to have a costume and I found the perfect one at Target. I was a bumble bee last year so I had my costume and found Gabe a bee costume (picture of him at the bottom, I left out the one of me heheheh). I also found him a sweater, which somehow I didn't get pictures of and this christmas hoodie that has a candy cane on the back and it says "sweet". Even though he looks as though he hates me for these clothes, he really does love! :) I can't wait to see him again!!!



P.s. Camryn gave him the middle name Austin....just incase Santa brings a boy dog!! :)

Oct. 29, 2009 ~ Speechless ~

Do you want to be moved this morning????

Go you youtube and pull up Nicole c Mullen My Redeemer Lives and listen to it...really listen to every word. WOW!!
I heard this on the way to work and needed to hear it today. There are just no more words needed, when you listen you will understand!
p.s. and watch the one that is 10 minutes 40 seconds...it's worth your time. TRUST ME.
p.s.s. WHEW....i just had church up in here at work watching this!!!! Ok, I'm done with my p.s edits...LOL

Christmas GIFT!!!!!!!!

THIS is what I'm working on for Camryn for Christmas. I found this on arkansasmatters.com and have been emailing with the lady. She has agreed with me on a good price for yorkies and he is registered and comes with papers. He is 10 weeks old and up to date on all his shots and worming. I'm supposed to meet her this weekend in Conway. She has two of these lil guys and will let me pick. She is also bringing the parents for me to look at their size etc. Then Camryn's grandmother told me she was sending me money to put towards this precious thing and it is over half of what I will pay for him. AND....I have two people who are willing to keep him until Christmas, letting me keep him at home on weekends I don't have Camryn. Everything seems to be falling into place. I'm keeping my fingers crossed!!!

I was wanting a girl so we could name her Gabriella and dress her in pink bows and sparkly collars...I mean uhhhh...so Camryn could...this is ALL for Camryn....everything for the kids....anyway....this one is a boy and boys seem to be cheaper (as they should be..haha) and I have read they have a better temperament. And let me just tell ya, in my house we certainly don't need anymore female temperament. We have our share. So I'm totally fine with having a boy. However, the delima of the name and the pink came up. I thought to myself, he would never know he had a girl name and wore pink so I'll just stick with that. I mean, I had a boy cat with a girl name, right?!?!? It was then that my mother reminded me of how mean that cat was...and it was probably because we called him Gracie and all the other cats on the block made fun of him. And really, if I decide to breed him and get stud fee's (wink wink) I doubt people will be interested to buy a puppy who'd dad's name is listed as "Gabriella". SOOOOO, I decided on Gabriel and probably gonna call him Gabe. AHHHHHH....so excited. *AHEM* I mean, Camryn will be so excited! :)

And have I mentioned that this lil guy seriously has already stolen my heart?!?!? I can't hardly even stand to look at his picture because he's so cute it hurts me! I love him and he loves me already!!!

October 1, 2009 ~ Santa's Broke ~

Forever my heart has belonged to big dogs. I love my Chewy girl and she sounds mean so I feel good about her being in my backyard. Lately, though, I've had a desire for a cute little Yorkie. I mentioned to Camryn that one day we may get one, but they are expensive so not any time soon. MISTAKE! Ever sense then she has talked about wanting a yorkie. I mean, I want one too...I sort of already have a name picked out...Gabriella and we will call her Ella. I can just see her with a cute little bow in her hair (which will be kept short) and a cute pink sparkly collar and how cute she will be to take everywhere with us....I'm just sayin....it could be fun... but at the same time, more responsibility...just what I need *sigh*. I sorta talked myself out of it due to the added expense and responsibility and seeing as how I'm not getting child support and broker than a joke I don't really need any added expense.
This morning Camryn came to me and said "Momma, when it's my turn to be student of the week and if it's after Christmas, will you bring the Yorkie cause Mrs. Young said we can bring small pets". *Ahem* My response: "Ummm, what Yorkie?" She said "I'm getting one for Christmas" I said "How do you know you're getting one for Christmas?" She said "Ummmm I'm putting it on my list" (like DUH) I panicked a little bit and said "Cam, Santa doesn't always bring you everything on your list". To which she replied "He usually always does" *SIGH* This is what I get for getting things on her list and giving the list to grandparents and relatives to get the rest. I'm holding out hope that in these next 3 months, someone at school will let the cat outta the bag about dear, sweet, BROKE Santa!!!!

Sept. 29, 2009 ~powerful~

Y'all this song is powerful. I heard it on the radio driving down the road and literally got chill bumps and felt tears well up. I got on the phone and told my friend Barbara she HAD to listen to this song. I'm going to try to put the youtube thing in here so you can listen. If it doesn't work (cause I'm not computer savy) go to youtube and type in Mikeschair Let the waters Rise. AWESOME SONG!!!!
Ok, so for some reason I can't paste....so please take the time to go to youtube and listen. In the meantime the words:

Don't know where to begin
It's like my world's caving in
And I tried but I can't control my fear
Where do I go from here

Sometimes it's so hard to pray
You feel so far away
I am willing to go where you want me to
God I trust you
(Chorus)
There's a raging sea
Right in front of me
Wants to pull me in
Bring me to my knee
SO let the waters rise
If you want them to
I will follow you
I will follow you
I will follow you

I will swim in the deep
Cuz You'll be next to me
You're in the eye of the storm and the calm of the sea
You're never out of reach

God You know where I've been
You were there with me then
You were faithful before
You'll be faithful again
I'm holding Your hand

(chorus)

God Your love is enough
You will pull me through
I'm holding on to You

God Your love is enough
I will follow you
I will follow You

(chorus)

Sept. 21, 2009 ~ Girls weekend away ~

This weekend I went to Hot Springs with my best friend Barbara. She's around my mom's age, but we are like peas and carrots. Anyway, when I got there we went to the Buckstaff for a bath and massage to relax. It was very nice, although a little uncomfortable since you're naked in front of strangers. They literally give you a bath...wash your back, arms and legs. I'm not gonna lie, I was thinking "well, at least I have good boobs". I'm just sayin....
So, after we did that we went back to the hotel to take a nap. When we got up we had some time to kill before we wanted to go to dinner so we were just hanging out in the room. We were a little hungry and Barb had horded apples and peanut butter from the hotel breakfast that morning. Apparently she was afraid we would run out of food at some point, which would obviously be devastating. :) We decided to eat our apples, but didn't have a knife, so I said I would go down to the desk and get some. As I was down there I realized I didn't know what room number we were in. When I stepped on the elevator I realized I didn't even know what floor. I had a little moment of panic, but thought I remembered we were on the 2nd floor. For some unknown reason I thought I would be able to figure out what room we were in by remembering how far down the hall we walked! I got to the door and was pretty confident I had the right room 223. When I knocked Barb didn't answer. So I stuck my head up to the door and could hear someone. That's when I realized I must have the wrong room. At this point I just stood in the hall not knowing what to do. Then I remembered I knew Barb's phone number, which is a miracle in itself cause I don't know any phone numbers I just find them in my contacts. Anyway, I went back down to the front desk and humility had to take over. The lady at the desk came over and I said "Do you happen to have a phone I can borrow? I can't remember what room I'm in". As she laughed she asked what the name was and told me I was in room 221. When I got to the room I was cracking up laughing. *sigh* The things I get myself into.

Sept. 14, 2009 ~ Never thought I'd see the day ~

So, I can't sit Indian style anymore. Seriously....I can't. It hurts my hip and I can't walk when I stand up. I also can't sit with my right leg curled under me. Most of the time, when I get up from any sitting position, I have to limp the first few steps.....I'm just sayin....

Setp. 2, 2009 ~ He WILL ~

I had to make a special blog for this one. Billie said she almost did away with this one because Cam was looking down, looking mad, I was looking well....something...anyway...then she thought of this Bible verse. If you can't see it, click on the pic to make it bigger and you can see the verse at the top. This is a verse from the Bible she pointed out to me and it is VERY special. God WILL restore the years the locust have eaten!

L-O-V-E this! LOVE it, ya hear me?!?!?! LOVE IT!!!!!!! :)

Sept. 2, 2009 ~ Photo Shoot ~

Camryn and I had a photo shoot with a friend of mine who is just getting into photography. You couldn't tell by the pics she took. She has been a special person in my life for the past 10-11 years. I love her and her family with all my heart. Her daughter and Cam have been friends, literally since birth. We went out Saturday and spent 3 hours taking pictures. 300 + pictures to be exact. Here are a few that she narrowed down and I picked. Some of these of Camryn MELT my heart! She's knew to picture taking so you should get her now while she's cheap!!!!! Moments By Billie...go over to the right and click on Following Footsteps or maybe it's under Billie Overstreet...anyway, that's her personal blog and she has a tab at the top right for her photo blog! She's awesome! Enjoy!


She was mad and hungry but I still love this!




Be still my heart!!!!


I love these collages!!


The necklace in this pic is what I bought after my dear friend Brian passed away...in memory of him. LOVE that pic of it! Anyway, these are just a few....she's awesome! Thanks Billie!!!! Love ya!

August 31, 2009 ~ What Do You Do? ~

What do you do when your 7 year old daughter sits in the back seat of the car and cries because she missed her dad? How do you deal with that issue knowing he doesn't really care? Oh, he pretends to care when it's convenient for him. But in my mind I hear the numerous times I heard "I know a doctor who can fix that" when I was pregnant with her. I know that he once aborted a child and, although he tried to make it sound as a joke, he probably would have been totally fine with ending her life. I hear in my head the night she was a sick baby and was crying constantly and I was crying because my baby was sick and I couldn't make her better and he asked if I was glad I had a baby now. My response "of course I'm glad, she's sick and can't help it" and his answer "She's just a stupid F-ing baby that I didn't want in the first place". I see myself sitting on the bed with her beside me and the lap top being slammed on my hand and I cry out in pain and my baby, less than a year old standing next to me crying. I picture myself being held down to the bed by one of his hands with the other one raise in a fist while she was sitting right next to me watching it all. I feel the oatmeal as I cleaned it off of her face after he threw a full bowl at me while I was holding her. I remember the nights she was in the hospital and he didn't have enough concern to stay with her over night and suggested that I not stay. I count the nights after we divorced that he was supposed to have visitation with her, but left her with his parents to go party instead. This is what I hear, see and remember as this precious child sits in the back seat and cries because she misses him. What do you do? How do you deal with that? My heart aches because she cares for someone who she will one day realize doesn't care for her.
Oh God, PLEASE PLEASE hold her, please heal these broken down places in her soul that are there because of my not following Your will. The broken places of her heart that will come as she comes to realize that her earthly father is a terrible person. God please....Holy Spirit intercede I don't know how to pray....

August 27, 2009 ~ another wow ~

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
and give you life

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go.

~Tenth Avenue North; By Your Side

August 25, 2009 ~ Did That Really Just Happen? ~

Mornings in my house are full of "hurry up's", "Get Dressed", "Brush your teeth", "If you don't hurry you 're going to go to school naked". They overflow with last minute running around grabbing things we've forgotten, turning lights off and throwing some food in the dog bowl and putting on belts as we walk out the door. Today was no different. It doesn't seem to matter how early we wake up, we are always rushed. I've said many times "I'm lucky to get out of the house dressed". I'm sure we Mom's have all said that at one time or another...but did we mean it literally?
This morning I get to work, walk across the parking lot and come in the door with another girl as we chit chatted. Walk past 4 co-workers saying hi (or grunting as it usually comes out) to get to my desk. I put my purse in it's spot and sit down to turn on my computer. As I did this, I felt my arm on my side. I looked down and I DID NOT ZIP UP MY SHIRT!!!! I have on a shirt that zips down the side from under the arm pit to just a couple inches above the bottom, thus leaving my entire side, bra and all, open to the public. Humiliation! I said "OH MY GOSH" and jumped up to show a couple co workers what I had done. I mean, if everyone else saw it, why not include them?!?!? I couldn't believe no one said anything to me! *sigh* Maybe they didn't notice. So, when I said "I'm lucky to get out of the house dressed" in the mornings....I MEAN IT!

August 24, 2009 ~ Dessert ~

Here is a good and easy dessert I made up last night as my PMS was kicking in and I was in need of chocolate. I wanted to make no bake oatmeal cookies, but I didn't have enough sugar...however I did have some brownie mix...but didn't want plain brownies so I came up with this:

Make your brownies as called for on the box; in a 9x13 dish.
When they are almost done, melt 1/2cup peanut butter with 2 tbls butter (may need to use a little less peanut butter and may not need butter...I'm not sure, it just looked good and made me feel like a real cook to have to melt two things together...so, whatever, this ist he first time I've made it so it may need some tweaking).
Pour the melted peanut butter over the top of the brownies when you pull them out of the oven and then put it in the fridge for about 30 mins to cool. Sprinkle powdered sugar over the top and enjoy!

Camryn and I named this "Reeses peanut butter cup brownies" Original, I know. We are JUST that creative! :) Anway, she LOVED them and said they were delicious and that I make the best stuff...usually...but sometimes not! (Gee, thanks!)

August 20, 2009 ~I am Broken; And Never Have You Loved Me More ~

I am broken
A life crumbled in defeat
I am spilled out
So on my face I fall at Your feet
And never have you loved me more.

I am damaged
Worthlessness strangles me
I am torn apart
Smothered by inferiority
And never have You loved me more.

These wounds are too deep
This pain is too raw
My strength is fading
So before You I fall
And never have you loved me more.

My sobs cry out for healing
Each tear drop screams "No more pain".
Here I am before You weeping
All I can do is whisper Your name
And never have you loved me more.

August 18, 2009 ~ My Boys ~

Camryn's brothers have been in town for the past 2 weeks. We got the chance to see them last Wednesday and take them to a movie last Thursday. They are going back home this morning, so last night their mom let me spend some time with them. We went to eat and then took them by to see my parents. Ian is 16 and will be 17 in October and has his drivers permit so I let him drive. He really did impress me. He didn't try to show off or drive too fast or anything. He was very careful and did a really good job. I can remember when he wasn't even able to reach the pedals, I let him sit in my lap and steer around the block. Boy how time flies. Chance is 14 and as ornery as ever. No, he really has calmed down. We got to laugh about some of the things that happened when I was a part of their life full time. They had some questions about how I met their dad and the face that he always wanted me tot ell them I was older than I was. We laughed about me being 28 for the last 10 years. We talked about when Chance wrecked the dirt bike and the scar that I still have from it. It was a really good time. I love those boys as if they were my own even to this day. I'm so thankful that through the mess over the last 6 years we still have a special relationship. They will call and text from time to time not just to talk to their sister, but to talk to me. Every time we get off the phone they tell me they love me and I tell them the same. They are so very special to me and always will be.

August 13, 2009 ~ WOW ~

It's time for healing, time to move on,
it's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it's time to find my way to where I belong

Chorus:
There's a wave that's crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything - I surrender

Chorus:

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing insde of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe...
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly

Time fo face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out

August 7, 2009 ~ Grown up Survey ~

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?

Electric/gas...now i'm on levelized so maybe they won't be so bad



2. Where was the last place you had a romantic date?Ummm....I can't even remember...what's romace??? I've never heard of this "romance" thing you speak of



3. What do you really want to be doing right now? sleeping so as not to be thinking about the things that consume my thoughts



4. How many colleges did you attend? zero - and i regret it



5. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now? it's comfortable



6. What are your thoughts on gas prices? I don't understand how they can fluctuate so much so fast...i mean, they say the cost of a barrel went up, so they jack the prices up, but the gas that's in the ground was already there...it wasn't from this "new barrell". So we are like paying the higher price for the gas in the ground that's probably already paid for..and I don't know how one place can be .10$ higher than the station half a mile down the road.



7. First thought when the alarm went off this morning? UGH...reality



8. Last thought before going to sleep last night? just going over and over things in my head that make no sense



9. Do you miss being a child? I miss not having responsibilities

10. What errand/chore do you despise? laundry and bathrooms

11. Get up early or sleep in? I get up early...wish i could sleep in

12. What do you get every time you go into Wal-Mart? milk

13. Beach or lake?Either will be fine!

14. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual? Nope....

15. Sopranos or Desperate Housewives? Neither

16. Have you ever crashed your vehicle? Nope

17. Ever had to use a fire extinguisher for it's intended purpose?Not for it's intended purpose or any other purpose.

18. Ring tone? whatever came with my phone

19. Strangest place you have ever brushed your teeth? I dont think I've ever brushed them in a strange place

20. Where have you never been and would like to go? Ireland

21. At this point in your life would you rather start a new career or a new relationship? Well, considering I hate men....I guess I would have to say a new career -with the price of dance and now 3 required dances maybe I need to start a new 2nd career

22. How old are you? 28

23. Do you have a "go to" person? oh yeah

24. Are you where you want to be in life? No...but I guess I'm where God wants me to be....obviously not learning whatever it is He's wanting me to learn

25. Growing up, what were your favorite cartoons? Flintstones

26. What about you do you think has changed the most? I have gotten so much stronger...I still have a lot of changing to do

27. Looking back at high school were they the best years of your life? Yes...I'd give anything to go back to those days...but with Camryn

28. Did you have a pager? Yep I know, I was cool

29. Where was the hang out spot when you were a teenager? didn't really have one

30. Were you the type of kid you would want your children to hang out with? Yes, I didn't do anything terribly wrong

31.Who do you think impacted your life the most? Hmmm...my ex husband....you asked impacted the most...not necessarily the best, but he did impact me the most

32. Was there a teacher or authority figure that stood out for you? Mrs. B my 6th grade teacher and Mr. Ebarb

33. Do you tell stories that start with “when I was your age..."? Yes...to Camryn...I'm old

June 18, 2009 ~ Unsure ~

This isn't my typical post. Most of the things I put on here are thought out and brought on by some fun or funny event. This one...I have no idea what I'm going to write but I can assure you it will not be fun or funny. However, this blog is about the adventures of a single mother and I promise you, not everything is fun. So, here we go and we'll see where this leads. Probably no where, but that's ok too.
Do you ever find yourself wishing God spoke to you through billboards? I do..all the time. I'm at that place right now. I'm not so good with the "still, small voice". I heard it said once that God speaks to us in a still small voice because in order for us to hear we would have to be close to Him. That makes sense. Maybe if I was where I needed to be with God, His still small voice would actually be a billboard. I find myself crying out to Him to help me get closer to Him. To help me focus on Him and Him alone. I know in my head that I need to get my vertical relationship right and then everything else will fall into place. Not to say that everything will be peachy, but it will fall into place with where God wants and if I'm in tune with Him those struggles will just be buildingblocks. I know that, I just don't know how to get from point A to point B.
I'm so blessed, beyond measure. I have been through hell and back and I'm actually to the point in my life where I'm thankful for those terrible years because I learned so much. Through those years I learned how faithful God is. I can honestly look back and see one set of foot prints in the sand and know that I wasn't alone, that God was carrying me. Although the things I go through now pale in comparison to the things of my past they are still difficult. I know there is a reason for everything. Every struggle is a learning tool I just wish I could learn whatever it is God is trying to teach me so I could move on from this on particular thing that keeps happening. I mean, I have my blonde moments and I know God is sitting up in heaven thinking "sheesh, Andrea, what color are your roots...I'm pretty sure I made you brunette" :)
I just get tired of having to be so strong all the time. I literally laid in bed the night before last and just cried for God to give me peace and clarity and rest and to just hold me. As a single mom (and I hate to even say that because there are so many more single mom's who have it way harder than I do) you feel every burden. There is no one there to share those burdens with. It all lies on your shoulders and you can be rockin along fine and all of the sudden the weight of everything just buries you in the ground and you feel like you can't breathe. Although I know I do not have to carry the burden.. if I could just give up control and give that to God I would be a lot better off. Why is it so hard to give that up? Why do I worry? Why am I bothered by the fact that I'm ready to settle down and have a family? Why do I let the thoughts through my head that I've been divorced for 5 years and had maybe 1 or 2 "relationships" and the longest of those was merely 5 months control me? I know I need to learn to be content because where I am now is right where God wants me to be. He is obviously still trying to teach me something that I haven't learned in regards to relationships because I keep finding the men who start out great and end up changing mid-stream. It's frustrating because I have so much more at stake, I have a child who I have to think about. I just want to drive down the road and see a huge billboard that says "Andrea marry ______" or "Andrea get this job" or "Andrea I'm trying to teach you this...learn it and lets move on" or whatever the case may be.
I know that in times like these I need to cling to his word that He has a plan for me, plans to prosper me, not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. I just wish I knew what those plans were...but I guess that would defeat the purpose of Faith. Which is what it all boils down to.

June 17, 2009 ~pictures from girls night with the travs~

Girls Night Out ~Travs Game ~

Here we go

Notice I'm not driving..I'm still in the carport so no hate messages about pics and driving!

I love that she is all smiles not knowing she had ketchup on her face!

Can't go to a baseball game and not get a hotdog!

Me and my silly girl

I BIG heart her...so much!

Oh the DS...unaware at this point we were supposed to be watching the cute players. *sigh* She'll learn!

This is after the boy was "checkin me out" hahah!

And the field!
Good times with my baby girl!

June 16, 2009 ~My Wing...Girl~

Camryn and I got some free tickets from my work to go to the Travs game last night. So we had a little girls night out complete with hot dogs, nachos and frozen lemon aid! Pink, no less! Oh, and the Nintendo DS. Cam's not quite to the age of understanding the importance of going to a baseball game and enjoying things such as the cute, tall boys in uniform..I mean..uhhh...the competition and the love of the sport *ahem* anyway.
The time came for the frozen lemon aid so we headed out to the ice cream stand. I'm oblivious to my surroundings most of the time (which is not good these days...women should be alert at all times) but not Camryn. All of the sudden she said, "That boy was CHECKIN' you OUUUTT". It was hilarious! We went on and got our lemon aid and went to sit down. Then Cam started laughing and said "remember that boy checkin you out?" (she knows my memory is not good and apparently thought I'd forget after about 5 minutes...which is highly likely). I laughed and said yes and asked her if he was at least cute. She looked at me like I had lost my mind and said "He was a KID!!! Like Ian's age....WEEIIRRDDDD....AWWWkwAARRDDDD!!!"
Y'all I thought I was going to fall out of my chair. It only got better when I said "did you just say awkward?" and she laughed and said "Yep, I don't even know what that means".
*sigh* I love these times with her when we can just be silly and hang out like girls!!! LOVE HER...who needs a man?!?!?!?

June 15, 2009 ~couple o' pictures~

This is Camryn with her babysitter Kelley. I had Camryn in daycare the first week out of school and just had a terrible feeling about it. And with my amazing intuition I just couldn't leave her there.(my intuition is always right on) Kelley is one of the "big girls" at dance. She's amazing, and came up to me one day at dance and said she heard I was looking for someone to keep Camryn. She is a HUGE blessing. She's on vacation this week, but her first week with Camryn was spent swimming, going to build a bear, painting fingers and toes etc. She comes to the house so Cam can sleep in (and I get a summer break from having to get her up and ready...which means I can sleep in a little too and no fighting about socks!!!). She was very good this past Friday for Camryn during the bad storms. I'm so thankful for her this summer and Camryn is loving it.

So a week ago I had my first motorcycle ride. Not a big nice motorcycle...but a sport bike. For me to say I was scared would be a huge understatement, however, I lived!...and it wasn't THAT bad. But to put on a helmet during a panic attack can cause some MAJOR claustrophobia...and not being able to find the strap to take it off...yeah, not fun. But once again, I lived! (Thank you Lord)

June 8, 2009 ~ He is in a better place ~

Saturday I had to meet my dad out this side of Sheridan. While I was out that way I decided to go on down to Pine Bluff to the cemetery where one of my best friends was buried. He passed away 3 and a half years ago. It just doesn't seem possible that he's been gone that long. The last time I went out there was 6 months after he died. It was gut wrenching so I haven't been back. That was 2.5 years ago, so I felt I needed to go and try again. I didn't expect it to hit me as hard but on the way I started thinking about Brian and remembering all the funny stuff and fun times we had and I cried the whole way out there. It was a beautiful day so I just sat out by his grave for a while. I cried and prayed and laughed at some of the memories. I met Brian at work when I started working at AML. He was one of our IT guys. He was one of the most intelligent people I have ever known, although you could never tell it by looking at him. He was hilarious and always making some sort of joke. He was placed in my life during one of the most difficult times...my divorce. He let me cry on his shoulder and let me vent and was always there with some joke to make me laugh. He put up with people showing up at his house threatening him over me (Dwight's friends) and never blinked an eye about being my friend. He was an amazing person and I miss him dearly. He will always have a huge place in my heart and I can't wait to meet him again one day. His tombstone says "A Friend To All" and that is so true! Rest in Peace Brian ~I miss you~

June 1, 2009 ~ P.S ~

I had a dream about Adam Lambert last night. WHAT?!?!?!? Yeah, I did. He was my friend and I was watching him cut hair. I'm not completely sure, but I think I have a secret crush on him. I mean, I have the obvious crush on Kris Allen...he's precious...but yeah, secret crush on Adam. It's really weird.
~The End~

June 1, 2009 ~ This and That ~

Camryn's dad got her a phone. Yes, my 7 year old child has a phone...a touchscreen no less. She had been asking for a phone and it was just a crazy thought to me. She's always with me. So of course, I kept telling her no...maybe when she is 13 I'll consider it. Anyway...he sent her one...for whatever reason. So now I get text messages like this from time to time:

Or from the backseat of the car I'll get a text that says "hi" or like this morning when I was getting ready for work I get a text that says "dance stuff is ready" from her bedroom. I'm really not sure what I was thinking NOT getting her a phone...she OBVIOUSLY needed one!

So, she is officially a 2nd grader now. *sigh* That sounds so much older than 1st grade. She finished her 1st grade year with straight A's all year. I'm so proud of her! I don't know that I ever got straight A's. She's a smart little cookie and I am so thankful for that! She had to start daycare today. She was nervous and told me her hand was shaking. I absolutely hate leaving her somewhere she isn't comfortable but I know that's part of life and she will be fine. It's just so hard to know you child is nervous.

Yesterday my mom came over and we tackled the job of cleaning out my pool. It was nasty. We chose to do it in the middle of the day, which was really smart considering it was 93 degrees with not clouds. And to top it off, my house needs insulation so it doesn't cool. So to go inside to a house that was 83 degree's was not fun. Of course my mom did most of the work...it's just the way it goes. I was raised in a home with 3 first born children...so I'm not exactly one for having to work hard...everything was always done. lol Anyway, we got the yuck out and now we just need to scrub and fil'er up. Speaking of my Mom, today is her birthday!! Happy Birthday, Momma!

Saturday I got to spend some time with my sister. I met her at 9:30am and we went shopping. I need some new work clothes and I have NO fashion sense and can't match stuff...so we played What Not to Wear. I don't get to see her much so it was fun to spend a few hours together!

I guess that's about all the catching up I have for now!

May 14, 2009 ~ Puppy Love ~

Camryn and I have a new addition to our household/yard. My friend Blake...here we are...

recently got this lab from the people who live behind my parents. It's a guy we used to go to church with years and years ago. Anywho...he was FIRED up about getting this dog. He works at the Conway airport as a manager and he was taking Jackson to work with him. He called me yesterday after work upset because his bosses wife said he couldn't keep the dog with him everyday at work because she didn't want her business to smell like a dog. His landlord at his home doesn't allow pets so he was going to have to give Jackson away because he couldn't stay at his house all day. Enter me...the one who brought home a lab puppy that someone was giving away for free when I was in high school...without consulting my parents! :) I just couldn't stand the thought of 1. Jackson going to someone else and not getting treated right 2. Blake being all mad and upset and never getting to see Jackson again. Hence the following pictures!

How sweet is this? They look like they are kissing, but in actuality Chewy had just growled at Jackson for trying to jump on me and they are only sniffing each other. I think there is a little jealousy, but with time it should all work out!

Precious big puppies!! No one is coming in my back yard! ;) So I went home at lunch since today was the first day to have them and I wanted to check on them. I got my lunch started and went out side to see how they were doing. After I finally got Jackson out from under the deck I was playing with them and snapping some these pictures and thinking to myself...what am I gonna eat for lunch? Then I went back in and the smell reminded me that I had already started my lunch. Which leads me to this....my grilled cheese!

OOPS!!!!

May 11, 2009 ~ Mother's Day ~

Being a Mother is not an easy task. From the moment you realize you have a little person growing inside of you, you worry. Emotions are stronger on every level. You are responsible for another life...a life you love more than your own. You cook, clean, do homework, become a taxi driver, discipline, catch throw up, wipe snotty noses, find rocks in shoes, snuggle, hug, kiss etc. It's the hardest job you'll ever love. One day out of the year is yours to enjoy and get recognized for all the things you do. 364 days out of the year you devote yourself to everyone else...1 day you get pampered. So what did I do on Mother's Day, you might ask?
Slept late
Dusted
Dishes
Vacuumed
Dusted picture frames on my wall
Washed all the clothes
Washed the sheets
Swept the floor
Scrubbed the bathtub
Scrubbed the toilets
Cleaned clothes out of my closet that I don't wear
Picked up all the rooms
Ahhhh a mother's job is never done. I did take a break and run through Zaxby's to get my lunch, and Arby's for Camryn (since she doesn't like Zaxby's). The sweet little girl who gave me my food did tell me Happy Mother's Day, although my own flesh and blood had yet to remember...and has STILL yet to tell me Happy Mother's Day. But she didn't totally forget...I did happen to find my Mother's Day card she made at school stuffed in her backpack as I was cleaning it out, and asked if that was my card and in all her sweetness she replied "oh, yeah". *sigh* it's nice to be appreciated.
I did realized that you can't really appreciate all your mom does until you have grown up. I'm sure I didn't appreciated my Mom when I was young. However, being an adult and now having a child of my own, I know there is no way...NO WAY I could ever repay or express the love and appreciation I have for my Mother. She is a tower of strength and beauty and grace. She loved me when I was unlovable. She disciplined me so I would know right and wrong. She stood by and let me learn from my mistakes and was there to pick up the pieces when everything came crashing down. Being a mother is hard and she raised 2 of us. I only hope that I can be half the woman she is! I love you, Momma!
Who needs a day to be pampered anyway...it's over rated. I know Camryn loves me. It's shown by her wanting to hold my hand all the time. She tells me constantly that I'm the best. It's evidenced by the messages she leaves me in the foggy mirror after a shower, or in the sweet kisses through the day. Being a mother and is hard but it is a job I wouldn't trade for anything or anyone in the world.

May 4, 2009 ~ Why Did They Have to Shoot Him??? ~

Although it's difficult for some, me in particular, to say positive things about myself in fear that I will come across as stuck on myself, I will admit that one of my good qualities that God blessed me with is a tender heart. When I was young I can remember watching Old Yeller with my sister and then running to my mom's room in tears asking her why they had to shoot him. She had no idea what I was talking about but I finally got my point across. It hurt me so much that they had to kill Old Yeller.
Fast forward a few years and when Camryn was little (OMG did I just say "when Camryn was little"???) she was watching Milo and Ottis and at the point where they get separated she put her head down and started crying. And when I say little, I'm talking like 3 years old. Suffice it to say, she was also blessed with a tender heart. Last night we rented Hotel For Dogs (good movie, by the way) and there is a part where the brother and sister, who are foster children, have to be separated. Camryn laid her head down on my shoulder and began to cry. I asked her what was wrong and she said "It's so sad". Poor baby! Give her a few years and she'll be crying at At&t commercials too.

April 30, 2009 ~ Hard Parts of Life ~

Last night Camryn experienced a part of life that hurts and seeing my baby go through that just about killed me. I got a text from her Dad that told me that Cocoa, their dog at her Mamaw's house, died and that Camryn probably saw it. I sent a text to Judy telling her I was sorry to hear Cocoa died and asked if Camryn was ok. She told me that Camryn was fine just puzzled by what happened as they were. When Camryn got to my mom's house she was in good spirits so I was thinking it was smooth sailing. We watched Idol (btw...OH MY GOSH!!!) and headed home. On the way Camryn said "It's like I have a record playing over and over in my head". I asked her what she had stuck in her head, thinking it was going to be a song, because this happens to her a lot...she's just got the music in her. Her response ripped my heart out and I knew what was coming. She said, "Go get Papaw and tell him Cocoa is dead...go get Papaw and tell him Cocoa is dead...I just keep hearing it over and over". As she was telling me this her little innocent voice got shaky and then the tears came. When we got home we sat down and I just held her as she cried and kept saying "I just want Cocoa alive". It was killing me. I had no comforting or inspirational words, I just rocked her and cried with her and told her it's ok to be sad and to cry. Y'all it was almost more than I could take. I sent her dad a text telling him Camryn was really upset. He called and she talked to him and her brothers and that seemed to help a little bit. She drew a picture and told me she would always remember Cocoa and for me not to worry that she would get over it. She would pull herself together and then it would hit her again and she would start to cry. It made me think about God's love for His children and how it must kill him and rip his heart out when we are hurting and crying. How He must be holding us and crying with us in our times of trouble, telling us it's ok to be sad and that everything will be ok. His love is amazing!

It is a part of life but I'm telling you I would rather hurt a million times than to see my child hurting like that. And let me just be the first to say....the first guy who hurts her and makes her cry like that better hope he stays away from this Momma!

April 24, 2009 ~ Directionally Challenged ~

To say that I am directionally challenged would be putting in mildly. I have had this disease, DC as I like to call it, pretty much all my life. It first surfaced when I was 16 years old and my boyfriend needed me to pick him up from working at the airport. I asked my dad (because I KNEW my Mom would never let me drive to the airport by myself...what???) and of course he let me! :) Ronnye gave me directions and told me when I get to the light turn left. Sooo...I'm driving a long the freeway looking for a light. When I get to Galloway I realized I missed the light somewhere, pull into a truck stop and call him crying! Obviously, I found my way back as evidenced by me writing this blog.


Fast forward to last night. Camryn and I went to watch a friend play softball in Maumelle. Now, whoever invented those circle/yield/thingys in streets need to be shot. I mean, when do you go? Do you go all the way around? What ever happened to a stop sight and a 90 degree right or left turn??? *sigh* That was mistake number one. But we ended up getting to drive through a really beautiful neighborhood on a golf course. I told Camryn not to fret, that I had this. I find my way back to Maumelle Blvd and see the sign that says 430South this way and 430North this way. At this point, I panic because I don't know which way I need to go. So I did the only natural thing to do and went straight. After going straight for a little while I told Camryn that I was pretty sure I was lost. Mind you, I'm finding it very humorous because, I know me not to mention I had text my friend who said "how do you get lost? you just go out the same way you came goober". Yeah, he's not known me in the last 10 years. Anyway, I told Camryn we were lost and my precious child panics a little. She said "Mommy, I'm scared" I kinda laughed and told her I would find my way out. Then she said "I wish that song would come true!" I said "what song?" She said "I Hope You'll Always Find Your Way Home". I cracked up, y'all. I couldn't stop laughing which only furthered her frustration with me. So, I found a church parking lot and turned around. Then a I saw it!!!! A sign that said "Little Rock" Glory Glory! I announced to Camryn that we were on the right track now and we would be home soon, text Blake to proudly let him know I found the freeway and took off! A little way on the free way and I realize that....I was going in the wrong direction. Who knew there were 2 ways to little rock?!?!? I mean, they really should put up signs that say "Andrea, go this way to get home" It would make things go so much better. Anyway, I saw the Rodney Parham exit and took it, turned around and made it home! I should probably invest in one of those GPS units!

This was Camryn after we got back on the right direction! All smiles!

And this is me and my oops...oh well face!