Thursday, December 30, 2010

Trust = vulnerability and weakness

I have trust issues...major trust issues. But the reasons behind those trust issues are numerous and extreme. Growing up I was taught your treat people how you want to be treated, tell the truth and you get in less trouble (i got a spanking once because I lied about something that I wouldn't have even gotten in trouble for in the first place). I lived a sheltered life. We were only around church people, good people, loving people. People, who if you needed them, they were there. In my high school years I went to a small, christian school. Not perfect by any means, but my friends there are life long friends. People I would trust with my life, and more importantly, my child's life. People I love to this day and would do anything for and I know they would do anything for me. I had this warped sense of the world. Maybe not so much "warped" as MY reality was completely different than what IS reality. December 11, 1999, reality slapped me in the face and has continued to do so ever sense. It seems like from that day to the present day one thing after another, after another, after another has proven to shake the ground of trust I stood on. "Friends" I had/have made since high school have turned out to not be friends, love has turned out to be full of hurt and lies. I sit back and watch and listen and all around me are lies and fake people...saying what you want to hear no matter how far from the truth it is. People covering up their mistakes, affairs and lives. So my lack of trust has 11 years of walls behind it.
Many relationships in my life have been crushed because of my lack of trust. In my mind, they want me to trust them so they can get by with something. I am not sure I want to trust. I don't even know that I can trust. When I start to think I should trust someone I almost start to panic at the thought. Today, I'm wondering why trust is such a hard thing. I'm supposed to let go of the past. Not compare people now to past people in my life but as I reflect on all that has happened, I have discovered that to me, trust equals weakness. And while that may not be true, that's how I feel.
I've had to fight for the past 11 years to disprove what was pounded it my head for the first 4 years after reality hit. I refuse to be weak again. I refuse to be a doormat. I refuse to be controlled. I refuse to be naive. I refuse to be played for a fool. All these things show signs of weakness. Therefore, I refuse to believe anything anyone tells me. I refuse to trust that people wont hurt me. I refuse to let anyone think they can get by with anything and play me for an idiot. I refuse to be blind. If I trust, I'm vulnerable, if I'm vulnerable, I'm weak. And I refuse to be weak again.
I know that God's strength is IN my weakness. My mind knows this. But my heart is the one that's shattered the one who puts up the walls. I just need my mind and my heart to coincide. But how? Because I don't even want to trust.