Tuesday, March 25, 2008

March 25, 2008 ~Kids say the darndest things~

Camryn got to go with my mom and dad to visit my dad's parents in Alabama. After being away from me for 4 days I thought she might miss me. She claims that "of course" she missed me. However, after I picked her up and got home I was changing clothes. Camryn decided to tell me that my "underwear was too small because my bottom was so big". AHHHHH...can you believe it?!?!? I said "Camryn Olivia!!!" and with disbelief on her face she said "WHAT??? It is!" I know, I know, how dare I get on to her when she's just telling me the truth...UGH!!!!

Monday, March 24, 2008

March 24, 2008 ~Amazing Grace~

I knew I absolutely needed to let go and forgive, however, deep down in my sinful human nature, I really didn’t want to let go. I wanted to hang on to that anger and get revenge. In my mind, letting go and forgiving my ex husband was somehow a way of giving him the control over me that I fought so hard to get back. I wanted to be mad forever (I’m not gonna lie, I wanted to pull a Lorana Bobbit). I was not only mad at my ex, I was mad at men in general. I was also mad at God. I can remember lying in my bed many times, crying my eyes out asking God why He let me go through this. Telling him I was mad at Him and not understanding how and why He would allow those things to happen to me. There were times I did not want to talk to God because of the pain He let me go through. Because of the fact that Camryn was cheated out of the life I had, with my parents together. I was mad at God that Camryn would never know what it was like to have her family together. When I finally came to the realization that I had to go through the process of forgiving and letting go of the pain and hurt from my marriage, I had no clue where to start.

At that time, I was either given a book or found a book written by the GREAT Sandi Patty. There was something she had written in that book that I know was directly from God to me. She wrote that she had come to a point in her life where all she could utter was for God to let her be willing to be willing. That simple statement hit me like a ton of bricks. When we have no strength to stand and really deep down don’t want to let go of those things that are weighing us down, but know we need to it makes all the difference to just ask God to help you be willing to be willing to do whatever He asks of you. I began to pray fervently for God to please help me be willing to be willing. It was in one of those prayers that God began to break down the most important walls I had built up, the walls between me and my heavenly Father. I was struck by the fact that God indeed was my Father. God began to reveal to me the connection that I had with my own daughter.
As a mother, or parent in general, most of would never desire harm for our children. We, in fact, want to do whatever we can to protect them from danger and hurt and pain. We do our best, but ultimately it’s up to our children. We can tell our children over and over to stay away from the stove because it’s hot and it will burn them. Then they just walk right over and touch it. Of course they then come crying to us for comfort. It’s the same (although on a MUCH grander scale) with our heavenly Father. God can tell us over and over what He wants from us. It’s that still small voice that keeps tugging at our hearts. Then, like the child who touched the stove, we go away and do the exact thing God has instructed us not to do. We did not place our child’s hand on the stove on purpose, just as God doesn’t place us in circumstances of hurt and pain. The burn on those tiny hands is a direct result of disobedience. If our baby would have just listened, he wouldn’t have gotten burned. Just as if we would only listen to God and be in His will, we wouldn’t get burned. I’m not saying we will never come upon bad times, however, if we are in connection with God and if we are willing to do His will, we will understand that whatever we are going through will somehow do the one thing we were created to do. Bring glory and honor to God. When our children disobey, get hurt and then come crying to us for help, what do we do? We pick them up and give them comfort. We hold them and wipe away their tears and kiss away their pain.
I can just imagine God sitting on His thrown telling us not to do something, and shaking His head as we stubbornly go on with OUR agenda, get hurt and come back crying to Him for comfort.
As I lay there that night in tears with this new understanding of the love God has for me, I could feel His arms around me, wiping away my tears and kissing away my pain as slowly the walls of bitterness and anger began to crumble down around my feet.
I have no desire to see Camryn go through pain, but she will. She is going to disobey and end up getting hurt. And when she comes to me with those big ole tears streaming down her face I’m going to pick her up and love her just as God does to me. He had no desire for me to go through the abuse I went through. However, when I disobeyed His will for my life and went on with my own agenda, I got hurt, and then went crying to Him. He picked me up and loved me just as He always will. He is now getting the glory and honor for putting the pieces of my life back together. Praise God for His infinite GRACE and MERCY.
“…Through many dangers toils and snares I have already come
T’was GRACE that brought me safe thus far and GRACE will lead me home…”

Friday, March 21, 2008

June 11, 2007 ~ Kid's Speak the Truth ~

If you know anything about me or look at my page at all you will know I have a wonderful 5 year old daughter. She is my everything and without a doubt what keeps me going when I feel liking giving up. I love her more than life itself and would not be complete without her. That being said, let me share the insight she shared with me tonight.
A while back one of her little friends, Belle, and her family went to Disney World. As we were looking at the picture of the fun they had Camryn decided she wanted to go to Disney World. When she asked me, in front of everyone, when we were going, my reply was "When Mama finds a rich man we'll go"...this me just being silly because it's an on going joke and well known that I can't seem to find a man who is decent or who can hold my interest. Anyway, everyone laughed and well, it was funny. About a month later Camryn and I were eating dinner with my parents and my sister when my precious daughter decided to announce to the restaurant that when her "Mama finds a rich man, we're going to Disney World". Yes, I wanted to crawl under the table at that point...but I survived... and apparently there were no rich men around offering to take a girl and her daughter to Disney World, cause no one came running up to the table.
So, skip forward to tonight. My brother in law's birthday is today so we were all out eating when again the topic of Disney World came up. My brother in law missed the last Disney World discussion so my sister told Camryn to tell Uncle John when she was going to go. Camryn of course said "When Mama finds a rich man"....only this time she was hungry and really whiny so she followed that up with "But Maaaammmmmaaaa....you're NEVER gonna find him". SHEESH...even my 5 year old has figured this out. I just gave her a little pat and said "I know baby, I know". Kids do seem to speak the truth!

May 14, 2007 ~ Letting Go ~

Where to start??? It's no secret that I made a mistake when I got married at 18 yrs. old to a man I had only known for 6 months. However this is the first time I have really opened up and expressed some things in this manner. What I hope, in doing this, is that I may help even one person who has been or is in a situation like I was in. This is also a little therapy for me!Growing up I was very naive and believed that everyone was honest and good. Naturally, I believed everything my ex told me...that he loved me, that I changed who he was blah blah blah! It came as quite a shock when, on our honeymoon, he left me for 3 hours without telling me where he was going. In the first month of marriage the abuse began and I slowly began to learn that everything about him was a lie. I was kicked, slapped, backhanded in the face, spit on, pulled to the ground by my hair, locked in closets, choked, had numerous things thrown at me and had almost everything that was special to me broken. I was also told on almost a daily basis how horrible of a person I was, how lazy and no good I was, how I was a horrible mother (I had 2 step sons who I dearly love and who dearly love me to this day). I was told how fat and ugly I was and how I was lucky to have him. Abusive people beat you down mentally so that you actually believe that you cannot make it without them and that no one- family, friends or anyone really love and care for you. I was abused sexually, which you think would not happen in a marriage, but there are ways I have read about sexual abuse, and what I went through fits the mold. I was and am very blessed to have a great family who supported me and helped get me out of this situation. I have been divorced for 3 years, 2 months, 2 weeks and 4 days. February 24, 2004 was one of the best days of my life. I knew this was the best decision for my daughter and myself, however, a divorce is a traumatic thing to go through. What I have discovered recently is that after my divorce I just went on with life. I never took the time to acknowledge the pain and deal with it accordingly in order to heal and let go. I had a child to take care of and had no time for a pity party. I HAD to just get over it and go on...so I thought. Being a mom I naturally put my daughter and her feelings before my own. I have strived to make her life as normal as possible in this situation. However, what I failed to realize was that in order for her to have me be the Mother I need to be for her, I needed to take time to heal. It has been within the last couple weeks that this -moving on- and not healing has come back to bite me. Although it has been 3 years and I am over the heartbreak I have still yet to deal with what happened to me and get past the anger and bitterness that comes along with it. It is hard to trust again when the one person you expect to love you and protect you is the one person who has lied to you the most and the one who you actually need protection from. These things have caused me to become an angry person, and I have just realized this. I have been angry at the world and mostly angry at men. I have been bitter and hateful and resentful and it has caused me to miss out on some wonderful things in life. I have now taken the first steps in recovering from my past. I have admitted to myself that I am angry and bitter. However, I have decided to let that go. What I went through is and always will be a part of me and a part of what molds me. How I choose to allow it to mold me is all on me though. And until recently I have allowed it to control me causing me to be an ugly and untrusting person. I can't change what happened to me, but I can learn from it, grow, and let it go. This is what I am in the process of doing. In order to be the mother that Camryn needs me to be, the friend that my friends need me to be and one day the loving woman that special man will need me to be, I have to accept what happened, forgive and let it go. I understand, through a book I am reading, that it is not easy, however, I am justified in what I'm feeling. I'm not strange for being how I have been, but I am learning and must admit it feels great just knowing I'm not weird for having issues because of what I've been through. This is a process and I'm happy to say I've actually begun this "healing process" by letting go!

May 3, 2007 ~ THE Mommy ~

Girls, I know most of us find ourselves in a situation we never dreamed we would be in. When we were little girls we used to dream of one day having a wonderful husband and children living in a beautiful house with a white picket fence living together as a family. Well, that's not where we are. However, we have to play the cards we were dealt. Being a single parent is hard work. We have to balance being a full time mom with a job, house keeping, and try to manage a social life. We have to be the good guy and the bad guy with our children. We have to do all the cooking, cleaning, laundry, dishes, grocery buying, playing, reading etc. We have to get the kids up and ready for school or daycare. Make sure we have everything turned in for those field trips as well as get ourselves ready and out the door fully dressed for work. It's hard. It seems the laundry never ends and the trash always needs to be taken out. There is just not enough time in the day it seems. We have to discipline and comfort all with the same hand.
..:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" />
As single moms, if we ever plan to get married and start a family, we have to try to manage a social life for ourselves. Mr. Wonderful isn't going to come knocking on our door so we have to try to get out once in a while and have some grown up time! This is also difficult. Some don't have family around to help out, and finding someone you trust to watch your precious angel is not easy and get's expensive. Then there are the trials of dating as a single mom. You think you find a great guy who claims he doesn't have a problem with you having a child, he's totally fine with it. So, you think maybe it's time to introduce the kids and then what happens??? You never hear from him again. Which is fine, if he isn't into our babies we don't need him anyway, but still, it's tough! Some of us don't have the "daddy" around and have to try to explain or comfort when that child misses their "father". This is a tough job we have girls, BUT...it is all worth it when that little baby hugs you and says "You're the best Mommy in the world" the unexpected "I love you's" with a hug and kiss make it all worth while. We are the ones with the magic kiss that can heal any hurt and ache. We are the ones who can make those monsters under the bed go away. When it's dark they reach for our hand for guidance. When they are sick they want to be in our laps. Yes, it is hard, but we are strong, look how far we have made it. We can do this and succeed because, girls, we are THE MOMMY!!!!!!

February 27, 2007 ~ Foot In Mouth ~

Well, here we go again with me sticking my foot in my mouth and saying something stupid. I know everyone who knows me is thinking "what's new". I tend to say stupid things all the time. Most of the time when I try to be smart it turns out all wrong for me. I say things a lot and when they come out they are not what I meant them to be. It's just me...I'm ditzy...take it or leave it.
So, I'm trying to eat healthier and work out and stuff. Tonight after my daughter got out of dance she wanted to go to Popeyes. With American Idol coming on I decided to just go through the dirve through and get home so we could watch it. I pull up and order Camryn's food and then I ask for a # 3 for myself. This includes 3 chicken strips, a side and a drink. The man over the speaker says "mild or spicey" and what do I reply with????? "Can I get naked?" LOL I wanted to die....I just started laughing and up pipes my 5 year old in the back seat saying... "EWWWW, Momma, why do you want to get naked?" LOL. He then said "uhh...mild or spicey?"...LOL. So i rephrased it and said "Do you have the naked strips?" He of course said yes and I went on with my order. I found it quite humorous...if you can't laugh at yourself who can you laugh at?!?!?!

January 5, 2007 ~ People ~

There will be people who come and go in your life. Some will come and stay. You will see them and talk to them often and contiue a relationship with them forever. Others will come and something will take them away from you, whether it be a move or a death, but they will always be remembered. There are those who will come in your life and a year down the road you will not remember their name much less their face. And of course we all have those who have come into our lives who we wish we could forget. Unfortunately there are those in this world who will deliberately hurt you. I lived with one of these people for 4 years and survived to tell about it. There are also people in this world who will hurt you but never planned to. I've known my share of those also. However, if we take a little bit from everyone we have known we can shape ourselves to be who we want to be. Lessons can be learned from every circumstance. Sometimes I get tired of having to learn lessons. I just wish things would work out. They always do, just not always the way I want them to. We can not let those who hurt us bring us down. Take the lesson learned from that person or relationship and try to not make the same mistake again. Move on and enjoy life. Enjoy the people who have come and gone and especially enjoy those who care enough and love enough to stay. I've had my share of bad people come into my life. Certainly my share (plus a little extra) of hurt but I've also been extremely blessed by the special people who have stepped into my life and are still here...struggling, laughing, crying, supporting me and being stupid with me and understanding when I have those blonde moments. When things get hard in your life you can tell who your true friends are. I've been a witness to this recently. So if someone doesn't like you or doesn't stay in your life, chalk it up to a lesson learned and view it as their loss. Everyone is special and deserving of true love and friendship. Anything or anyone outside of that is a waste of time and worry. So, to my friends who have been with me 13 years (Ashley) through some of the most trying and difficult times in my life along with some of the most wonderful times and to those who have been there with a phone call, email or just getting me out of the house recently, I thank you and love you!