I knew I absolutely needed to let go and forgive, however, deep down in my sinful human nature, I really didn’t want to let go. I wanted to hang on to that anger and get revenge. In my mind, letting go and forgiving my ex husband was somehow a way of giving him the control over me that I fought so hard to get back. I wanted to be mad forever (I’m not gonna lie, I wanted to pull a Lorana Bobbit). I was not only mad at my ex, I was mad at men in general. I was also mad at God. I can remember lying in my bed many times, crying my eyes out asking God why He let me go through this. Telling him I was mad at Him and not understanding how and why He would allow those things to happen to me. There were times I did not want to talk to God because of the pain He let me go through. Because of the fact that Camryn was cheated out of the life I had, with my parents together. I was mad at God that Camryn would never know what it was like to have her family together. When I finally came to the realization that I had to go through the process of forgiving and letting go of the pain and hurt from my marriage, I had no clue where to start.
At that time, I was either given a book or found a book written by the GREAT Sandi Patty. There was something she had written in that book that I know was directly from God to me. She wrote that she had come to a point in her life where all she could utter was for God to let her be willing to be willing. That simple statement hit me like a ton of bricks. When we have no strength to stand and really deep down don’t want to let go of those things that are weighing us down, but know we need to it makes all the difference to just ask God to help you be willing to be willing to do whatever He asks of you. I began to pray fervently for God to please help me be willing to be willing. It was in one of those prayers that God began to break down the most important walls I had built up, the walls between me and my heavenly Father. I was struck by the fact that God indeed was my Father. God began to reveal to me the connection that I had with my own daughter.
As a mother, or parent in general, most of would never desire harm for our children. We, in fact, want to do whatever we can to protect them from danger and hurt and pain. We do our best, but ultimately it’s up to our children. We can tell our children over and over to stay away from the stove because it’s hot and it will burn them. Then they just walk right over and touch it. Of course they then come crying to us for comfort. It’s the same (although on a MUCH grander scale) with our heavenly Father. God can tell us over and over what He wants from us. It’s that still small voice that keeps tugging at our hearts. Then, like the child who touched the stove, we go away and do the exact thing God has instructed us not to do. We did not place our child’s hand on the stove on purpose, just as God doesn’t place us in circumstances of hurt and pain. The burn on those tiny hands is a direct result of disobedience. If our baby would have just listened, he wouldn’t have gotten burned. Just as if we would only listen to God and be in His will, we wouldn’t get burned. I’m not saying we will never come upon bad times, however, if we are in connection with God and if we are willing to do His will, we will understand that whatever we are going through will somehow do the one thing we were created to do. Bring glory and honor to God. When our children disobey, get hurt and then come crying to us for help, what do we do? We pick them up and give them comfort. We hold them and wipe away their tears and kiss away their pain.
I can just imagine God sitting on His thrown telling us not to do something, and shaking His head as we stubbornly go on with OUR agenda, get hurt and come back crying to Him for comfort.
As I lay there that night in tears with this new understanding of the love God has for me, I could feel His arms around me, wiping away my tears and kissing away my pain as slowly the walls of bitterness and anger began to crumble down around my feet.
I have no desire to see Camryn go through pain, but she will. She is going to disobey and end up getting hurt. And when she comes to me with those big ole tears streaming down her face I’m going to pick her up and love her just as God does to me. He had no desire for me to go through the abuse I went through. However, when I disobeyed His will for my life and went on with my own agenda, I got hurt, and then went crying to Him. He picked me up and loved me just as He always will. He is now getting the glory and honor for putting the pieces of my life back together. Praise God for His infinite GRACE and MERCY.
“…Through many dangers toils and snares I have already come
T’was GRACE that brought me safe thus far and GRACE will lead me home…”
At that time, I was either given a book or found a book written by the GREAT Sandi Patty. There was something she had written in that book that I know was directly from God to me. She wrote that she had come to a point in her life where all she could utter was for God to let her be willing to be willing. That simple statement hit me like a ton of bricks. When we have no strength to stand and really deep down don’t want to let go of those things that are weighing us down, but know we need to it makes all the difference to just ask God to help you be willing to be willing to do whatever He asks of you. I began to pray fervently for God to please help me be willing to be willing. It was in one of those prayers that God began to break down the most important walls I had built up, the walls between me and my heavenly Father. I was struck by the fact that God indeed was my Father. God began to reveal to me the connection that I had with my own daughter.
As a mother, or parent in general, most of would never desire harm for our children. We, in fact, want to do whatever we can to protect them from danger and hurt and pain. We do our best, but ultimately it’s up to our children. We can tell our children over and over to stay away from the stove because it’s hot and it will burn them. Then they just walk right over and touch it. Of course they then come crying to us for comfort. It’s the same (although on a MUCH grander scale) with our heavenly Father. God can tell us over and over what He wants from us. It’s that still small voice that keeps tugging at our hearts. Then, like the child who touched the stove, we go away and do the exact thing God has instructed us not to do. We did not place our child’s hand on the stove on purpose, just as God doesn’t place us in circumstances of hurt and pain. The burn on those tiny hands is a direct result of disobedience. If our baby would have just listened, he wouldn’t have gotten burned. Just as if we would only listen to God and be in His will, we wouldn’t get burned. I’m not saying we will never come upon bad times, however, if we are in connection with God and if we are willing to do His will, we will understand that whatever we are going through will somehow do the one thing we were created to do. Bring glory and honor to God. When our children disobey, get hurt and then come crying to us for help, what do we do? We pick them up and give them comfort. We hold them and wipe away their tears and kiss away their pain.
I can just imagine God sitting on His thrown telling us not to do something, and shaking His head as we stubbornly go on with OUR agenda, get hurt and come back crying to Him for comfort.
As I lay there that night in tears with this new understanding of the love God has for me, I could feel His arms around me, wiping away my tears and kissing away my pain as slowly the walls of bitterness and anger began to crumble down around my feet.
I have no desire to see Camryn go through pain, but she will. She is going to disobey and end up getting hurt. And when she comes to me with those big ole tears streaming down her face I’m going to pick her up and love her just as God does to me. He had no desire for me to go through the abuse I went through. However, when I disobeyed His will for my life and went on with my own agenda, I got hurt, and then went crying to Him. He picked me up and loved me just as He always will. He is now getting the glory and honor for putting the pieces of my life back together. Praise God for His infinite GRACE and MERCY.
“…Through many dangers toils and snares I have already come
T’was GRACE that brought me safe thus far and GRACE will lead me home…”
1 comment:
You need to borrow Alison's "Lies Women Believe and the TRUTH that sets Them Free" book. It will change your OUTLOOK. I got out of it that while my circumstances may be surrounding me, it's all about God...still and I CHOOSE the way I react. This lady actually proves that God is NOT concerned with your happiness...He is concerned with your HOLINESS! Wow! He wants you to be holy and will use everything in your life to see you get there.
It was wonderful to see you and spend the day with you yesterday!
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