Thursday, December 30, 2010

Trust = vulnerability and weakness

I have trust issues...major trust issues. But the reasons behind those trust issues are numerous and extreme. Growing up I was taught your treat people how you want to be treated, tell the truth and you get in less trouble (i got a spanking once because I lied about something that I wouldn't have even gotten in trouble for in the first place). I lived a sheltered life. We were only around church people, good people, loving people. People, who if you needed them, they were there. In my high school years I went to a small, christian school. Not perfect by any means, but my friends there are life long friends. People I would trust with my life, and more importantly, my child's life. People I love to this day and would do anything for and I know they would do anything for me. I had this warped sense of the world. Maybe not so much "warped" as MY reality was completely different than what IS reality. December 11, 1999, reality slapped me in the face and has continued to do so ever sense. It seems like from that day to the present day one thing after another, after another, after another has proven to shake the ground of trust I stood on. "Friends" I had/have made since high school have turned out to not be friends, love has turned out to be full of hurt and lies. I sit back and watch and listen and all around me are lies and fake people...saying what you want to hear no matter how far from the truth it is. People covering up their mistakes, affairs and lives. So my lack of trust has 11 years of walls behind it.
Many relationships in my life have been crushed because of my lack of trust. In my mind, they want me to trust them so they can get by with something. I am not sure I want to trust. I don't even know that I can trust. When I start to think I should trust someone I almost start to panic at the thought. Today, I'm wondering why trust is such a hard thing. I'm supposed to let go of the past. Not compare people now to past people in my life but as I reflect on all that has happened, I have discovered that to me, trust equals weakness. And while that may not be true, that's how I feel.
I've had to fight for the past 11 years to disprove what was pounded it my head for the first 4 years after reality hit. I refuse to be weak again. I refuse to be a doormat. I refuse to be controlled. I refuse to be naive. I refuse to be played for a fool. All these things show signs of weakness. Therefore, I refuse to believe anything anyone tells me. I refuse to trust that people wont hurt me. I refuse to let anyone think they can get by with anything and play me for an idiot. I refuse to be blind. If I trust, I'm vulnerable, if I'm vulnerable, I'm weak. And I refuse to be weak again.
I know that God's strength is IN my weakness. My mind knows this. But my heart is the one that's shattered the one who puts up the walls. I just need my mind and my heart to coincide. But how? Because I don't even want to trust.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

June 24, 2010 ~Polar Bears~

The other night we were watching some animal planet/discovery channel show. They were concerned for a momma polar bear and her two cubs because they were getting too close to civilization rather than being out where they needed to be so they could roam without danger or without endangering anyone else. What they had to do was shoot them with some tranquilizer, put them in a large net and have a helicopter move them to a better location. The bears were aware of what was going on, however, they could not move. Their muscles would not work. As I watched I imagined that the bears were probably wondering what was going on. Why this was happening to them, never knowing that all these people were doing was trying to move them into a better place. Safer, with more room to roam and live.

It struck me. There are times in our lives when we are getting too close to harm. It seems like everything is going wrong and things that seem so confusing are going on around us and to us. We almost feel paralyzed by fear or anger at what we have to go through, yet we can't seem to move. All the while, God is simply saying "Be still and know that I am God" while he gently picks us up and moves us into a better place where we are safe and can live.

So if you feel trapped by the net or paralyzed, aware of these things around you, but unable to move, rest assured that it is all for your good. God is simply moving you away from harm.

Monday, May 10, 2010

I love this song...

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
better than a hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkard's cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
the honest cries of breaking hearts
are better than a hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
the dying man giving up the fight
are better than a hallelujah sometimes
tears of shame for what's been done,
the silence when the words wont come
are better than a hallelujah sometimes.

we pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
the honest cries of breaking hearts
are better than a hallelujah sometimes

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out, singing out

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
are better than a hallelujah

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

~Kinda a Big Deal~

When I moved back to Arkansas at 7 months pregnant I lived with my parents. Along with that I attended my parents church. It's just what I did. That was a difficult and scary time in my life and I felt safe being with them. It was where I needed to be at that time in my life, however, as time went on I felt that it was not the right place for Camryn and myself. The preacher there was the one who counseled Dwight and I when he was trying to get me back. He later told my parents that in 20 years of counseling he had never come across someone like Dwight and that was the first time he had ever feared for his own safety. So he knew the situation. When he left is when I really started to realize I needed to find a church home that was where God wanted us. Then one day my mom sent an email telling me that if I didn't feel that church was where Cam and I needed to be, that she and my dad wanted me to know that was fine. They know me well enough to know that I would stay so as not to hurt their feelings. They assured me I needed to do what God wanted me to do and they were 100% ok with that....confirmation. God always gives confirmation. So, a couple more years went by because I just didn't know where to try. One church kept popping up in my mind to go to but I kept thinking "it's so far away, I need to find something close".
That church was Vilonia Baptist Fellowship where my sister went for years. Whenever I would go visit, as strange as it may seem, always felt like home. The people were so nice and I LOVED LOVED LOVED the preaching. God ALWAYS spoke to me when I was there. One of my first times visiting was when I was going through a nasty divorce and custody battle. I can't remember what the sermon was about but it touched me and at the end of service I went down to the alter to pray. It was no time and my sister, her friend and the pastors wife where there with a hand on my back praying over me. HOME!
So, I kept putting that church out of my mind because of the drive. Until one day recently I was struggling with somethings and my friend Billie called to tell me she felt like God wanted her to talk to me. I went to her house and she was talking to me about this series of Restoration they were going through at church. She gave me a cd of the first sermon and told me when church started if I wanted to come, if not, she would continue to get me the cd's. I'm here to tell you that that series was LIFE CHANGING. I started going and even though that series has ended every single Sunday God speaks. After months of prayer, Camryn and I joined that church family this past Sunday. It's home, it's where God wants us. It may not seem like a big deal but it's a huge thing to me. It's a huge step and Camryn and I are so excited to see what God has in store for us and the church. (I know because that night while praying, Camryn said "thank you for letting us visit Mrs. Billie's church, we are just excited about that" when I told her we were not visiting we were members now she said "oh yeah, He knew what I meant"). Camryn was saved at age 6 but was never ready to be baptized. For a while now she has been begging to be baptized, so, we are going to get her set up to be baptized! We are so thankful for our new church home and can't wait to see where God leads!

Friday, January 8, 2010

This day gets me every year. It's your birthday! I wake up at 5:13am every year and pray over you while you are sleeping. I pray for Gods protection and blessing on you at the very time you came into this world. You are a beautiful example of what I need to be. You have grown up so much! You make me mad, you make me cry and you make me laugh...a lot! The second you were born I felt emotions like I never knew possible. Fear: from the moment they told me to STOP pushing because the cord was wrapped around your neck and they had to cut it before I could go any further. Love: unconditional from the moment I saw you. Unconditional love is such a powerful thing. Protection: from the time the nurse tried to take you and I didn't see her badge and stopped her to ask where it was. These feelings have not changed a bit. I love you with every breathe I take. You are my precious baby and always will be, even when you're 52 years old!

We have been through so much over the years. So much that you don't even know about. So much I want to protect you from and pray that God never allows you to go through. However, if He does, I pray His protection over you and I pray you grow through Him. There have been hard times. Times I wanted to give up, but you kept me going.

And now look where we are. Not looking back with regret or remorse but looking forward to many more years. I am blessed to have you. You were absolutely sent from God to rescue me.

I love you the mostest!!! Happy 8th birthday!

Monday, December 14, 2009

December 14, 2009 ~ Be Still ~

Last week Camryn and I were on our way home from dance when He is Jealous For Me (don't think that's the name, but whatever...) came on the radio. Camryn loves this song and always says it makes her want to cry. When we got home I turned around to tell her to get all her stuff and her little face was soaking wet with tears. I asked her what was wrong and she sobbed that they were happy tears because she loves that song. When we got inside she was still crying and I told her it was ok for her to cry that sometimes girls just need to cry (got that from my friend Billie who has a daughter who needed to cry once). After a little while she finally calmed down for a few minutes and then busted in tears again. I asked her what in the world was wrong and she said that this time they were sad tears. Fully expecting her to say she missed her brothers, I asked her what she was sad about. My little almost 8 year old baby looked at me with the most desperate look on her face, tears streaming down her face and said "I don't want my Daddy to go to hell". Y'all, never before with all the mess I've gone through, has my heart ever been ripped out like it was in that minute. I just sat down and cried with her. I asked if she wanted to call him and talk to him about it and she said no and then she sobbed out "and I won't see him at Christmas to give him a Bible". In that instance I saw a living example of "faith of child" that the Bible speaks of. She fully believes that giving her daddy a Bible will lead to his salvation. And it might, nothing is impossible with God. We've been praying every night for his salvation and her brothers. Her teacher says she prays for them all the time at school. The other day she came to me with something wrapped in notebook paper and said "I need you to mail this to my daddy". When I looked at it, she had taken one of her children's Bibles (that she has read through at least twice) and wrapped it in notebook paper and wrote on the outside "Daddy, I love you, but please read this". Wow...she's such an example of what I'm supposed to be.
So, rewind a little bit. Before Camryn had this melt down on the way home, I had gotten a text from her dad asking if he could fly her out to Vegas on the 18th then they would go to L.A. on the 19th to visit his cousins and then drive here and be here by the 22nd. I was so torn. I usually just say absolutely not, but for some reason I was considering doing this. When she had this melt down I thought I needed to send her, but I didn't have 100% peace. This is not any normal good hearted daddy, so a decision like this is not easy. I talked to some very good friends and I prayed and cried and prayed and cried and begged God to show me what to do. I went to bed that night thinking a good nights rest will help and I'll wake up with a new perspective, after all, I begged God to show me if I need to send her or not. I woke up the next day and still had no idea what He wanted me to do, say she can go or say she can't go. I was trying to put God in a box. I was telling Him I trusted Him and asking Him to show me what to do, but at the same time I was giving Him two options. Later in the day it came to my mind that I had a conversation with someone not too long ago and that person stated to me that Camryn's dad had his drivers license suspended. And then all at once it hit me and all I could think was "Be Still and know that I am God". I had told Dwight that before I decided if Camryn could go or not I needed a detailed list of what they would be doing and when, a copy of his drivers license and proof of insurance (i know from the past he has issues with doing things legally). He never got that information to me and I found out his license was suspended. If he asked me about her coming again I was going to tell him that he never got me what I needed so I thought he changed his mind. I was just going to let it play out and I was going to "be still and know that He is God" and let him work. I didn't hear anymore from him until this morning when I got a text telling me that he thinks it's best to leave Camryn here because he can't get a plane ticket for her at a cheap price. Those of you who know him know this is not like him.
In this, I learned a valuable lesson. Be still and know that He is God. I don't have to fret and worry and panic, I just need to sit still and let God do God and Andrea do Andrea! He knows what He's doing...this is such a DUH statement but for some reason, it's so hard to grasp that. I'm hoping to get to the point that I automatically Be still and know that He is God, instead of panicing and freaking out and THEN remembering that He is God!