June 18, 2009 ~ Unsure ~

This isn't my typical post. Most of the things I put on here are thought out and brought on by some fun or funny event. This one...I have no idea what I'm going to write but I can assure you it will not be fun or funny. However, this blog is about the adventures of a single mother and I promise you, not everything is fun. So, here we go and we'll see where this leads. Probably no where, but that's ok too.
Do you ever find yourself wishing God spoke to you through billboards? I do..all the time. I'm at that place right now. I'm not so good with the "still, small voice". I heard it said once that God speaks to us in a still small voice because in order for us to hear we would have to be close to Him. That makes sense. Maybe if I was where I needed to be with God, His still small voice would actually be a billboard. I find myself crying out to Him to help me get closer to Him. To help me focus on Him and Him alone. I know in my head that I need to get my vertical relationship right and then everything else will fall into place. Not to say that everything will be peachy, but it will fall into place with where God wants and if I'm in tune with Him those struggles will just be buildingblocks. I know that, I just don't know how to get from point A to point B.
I'm so blessed, beyond measure. I have been through hell and back and I'm actually to the point in my life where I'm thankful for those terrible years because I learned so much. Through those years I learned how faithful God is. I can honestly look back and see one set of foot prints in the sand and know that I wasn't alone, that God was carrying me. Although the things I go through now pale in comparison to the things of my past they are still difficult. I know there is a reason for everything. Every struggle is a learning tool I just wish I could learn whatever it is God is trying to teach me so I could move on from this on particular thing that keeps happening. I mean, I have my blonde moments and I know God is sitting up in heaven thinking "sheesh, Andrea, what color are your roots...I'm pretty sure I made you brunette" :)
I just get tired of having to be so strong all the time. I literally laid in bed the night before last and just cried for God to give me peace and clarity and rest and to just hold me. As a single mom (and I hate to even say that because there are so many more single mom's who have it way harder than I do) you feel every burden. There is no one there to share those burdens with. It all lies on your shoulders and you can be rockin along fine and all of the sudden the weight of everything just buries you in the ground and you feel like you can't breathe. Although I know I do not have to carry the burden.. if I could just give up control and give that to God I would be a lot better off. Why is it so hard to give that up? Why do I worry? Why am I bothered by the fact that I'm ready to settle down and have a family? Why do I let the thoughts through my head that I've been divorced for 5 years and had maybe 1 or 2 "relationships" and the longest of those was merely 5 months control me? I know I need to learn to be content because where I am now is right where God wants me to be. He is obviously still trying to teach me something that I haven't learned in regards to relationships because I keep finding the men who start out great and end up changing mid-stream. It's frustrating because I have so much more at stake, I have a child who I have to think about. I just want to drive down the road and see a huge billboard that says "Andrea marry ______" or "Andrea get this job" or "Andrea I'm trying to teach you this...learn it and lets move on" or whatever the case may be.
I know that in times like these I need to cling to his word that He has a plan for me, plans to prosper me, not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. I just wish I knew what those plans were...but I guess that would defeat the purpose of Faith. Which is what it all boils down to.