June 18, 2009 ~ Unsure ~

This isn't my typical post. Most of the things I put on here are thought out and brought on by some fun or funny event. This one...I have no idea what I'm going to write but I can assure you it will not be fun or funny. However, this blog is about the adventures of a single mother and I promise you, not everything is fun. So, here we go and we'll see where this leads. Probably no where, but that's ok too.
Do you ever find yourself wishing God spoke to you through billboards? I do..all the time. I'm at that place right now. I'm not so good with the "still, small voice". I heard it said once that God speaks to us in a still small voice because in order for us to hear we would have to be close to Him. That makes sense. Maybe if I was where I needed to be with God, His still small voice would actually be a billboard. I find myself crying out to Him to help me get closer to Him. To help me focus on Him and Him alone. I know in my head that I need to get my vertical relationship right and then everything else will fall into place. Not to say that everything will be peachy, but it will fall into place with where God wants and if I'm in tune with Him those struggles will just be buildingblocks. I know that, I just don't know how to get from point A to point B.
I'm so blessed, beyond measure. I have been through hell and back and I'm actually to the point in my life where I'm thankful for those terrible years because I learned so much. Through those years I learned how faithful God is. I can honestly look back and see one set of foot prints in the sand and know that I wasn't alone, that God was carrying me. Although the things I go through now pale in comparison to the things of my past they are still difficult. I know there is a reason for everything. Every struggle is a learning tool I just wish I could learn whatever it is God is trying to teach me so I could move on from this on particular thing that keeps happening. I mean, I have my blonde moments and I know God is sitting up in heaven thinking "sheesh, Andrea, what color are your roots...I'm pretty sure I made you brunette" :)
I just get tired of having to be so strong all the time. I literally laid in bed the night before last and just cried for God to give me peace and clarity and rest and to just hold me. As a single mom (and I hate to even say that because there are so many more single mom's who have it way harder than I do) you feel every burden. There is no one there to share those burdens with. It all lies on your shoulders and you can be rockin along fine and all of the sudden the weight of everything just buries you in the ground and you feel like you can't breathe. Although I know I do not have to carry the burden.. if I could just give up control and give that to God I would be a lot better off. Why is it so hard to give that up? Why do I worry? Why am I bothered by the fact that I'm ready to settle down and have a family? Why do I let the thoughts through my head that I've been divorced for 5 years and had maybe 1 or 2 "relationships" and the longest of those was merely 5 months control me? I know I need to learn to be content because where I am now is right where God wants me to be. He is obviously still trying to teach me something that I haven't learned in regards to relationships because I keep finding the men who start out great and end up changing mid-stream. It's frustrating because I have so much more at stake, I have a child who I have to think about. I just want to drive down the road and see a huge billboard that says "Andrea marry ______" or "Andrea get this job" or "Andrea I'm trying to teach you this...learn it and lets move on" or whatever the case may be.
I know that in times like these I need to cling to his word that He has a plan for me, plans to prosper me, not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. I just wish I knew what those plans were...but I guess that would defeat the purpose of Faith. Which is what it all boils down to.

June 17, 2009 ~pictures from girls night with the travs~

Girls Night Out ~Travs Game ~

Here we go

Notice I'm not driving..I'm still in the carport so no hate messages about pics and driving!

I love that she is all smiles not knowing she had ketchup on her face!

Can't go to a baseball game and not get a hotdog!

Me and my silly girl

I BIG heart her...so much!

Oh the DS...unaware at this point we were supposed to be watching the cute players. *sigh* She'll learn!

This is after the boy was "checkin me out" hahah!

And the field!
Good times with my baby girl!

June 16, 2009 ~My Wing...Girl~

Camryn and I got some free tickets from my work to go to the Travs game last night. So we had a little girls night out complete with hot dogs, nachos and frozen lemon aid! Pink, no less! Oh, and the Nintendo DS. Cam's not quite to the age of understanding the importance of going to a baseball game and enjoying things such as the cute, tall boys in uniform..I mean..uhhh...the competition and the love of the sport *ahem* anyway.
The time came for the frozen lemon aid so we headed out to the ice cream stand. I'm oblivious to my surroundings most of the time (which is not good these days...women should be alert at all times) but not Camryn. All of the sudden she said, "That boy was CHECKIN' you OUUUTT". It was hilarious! We went on and got our lemon aid and went to sit down. Then Cam started laughing and said "remember that boy checkin you out?" (she knows my memory is not good and apparently thought I'd forget after about 5 minutes...which is highly likely). I laughed and said yes and asked her if he was at least cute. She looked at me like I had lost my mind and said "He was a KID!!! Like Ian's age....WEEIIRRDDDD....AWWWkwAARRDDDD!!!"
Y'all I thought I was going to fall out of my chair. It only got better when I said "did you just say awkward?" and she laughed and said "Yep, I don't even know what that means".
*sigh* I love these times with her when we can just be silly and hang out like girls!!! LOVE HER...who needs a man?!?!?!?

June 15, 2009 ~couple o' pictures~

This is Camryn with her babysitter Kelley. I had Camryn in daycare the first week out of school and just had a terrible feeling about it. And with my amazing intuition I just couldn't leave her there.(my intuition is always right on) Kelley is one of the "big girls" at dance. She's amazing, and came up to me one day at dance and said she heard I was looking for someone to keep Camryn. She is a HUGE blessing. She's on vacation this week, but her first week with Camryn was spent swimming, going to build a bear, painting fingers and toes etc. She comes to the house so Cam can sleep in (and I get a summer break from having to get her up and ready...which means I can sleep in a little too and no fighting about socks!!!). She was very good this past Friday for Camryn during the bad storms. I'm so thankful for her this summer and Camryn is loving it.

So a week ago I had my first motorcycle ride. Not a big nice motorcycle...but a sport bike. For me to say I was scared would be a huge understatement, however, I lived!...and it wasn't THAT bad. But to put on a helmet during a panic attack can cause some MAJOR claustrophobia...and not being able to find the strap to take it off...yeah, not fun. But once again, I lived! (Thank you Lord)

June 8, 2009 ~ He is in a better place ~

Saturday I had to meet my dad out this side of Sheridan. While I was out that way I decided to go on down to Pine Bluff to the cemetery where one of my best friends was buried. He passed away 3 and a half years ago. It just doesn't seem possible that he's been gone that long. The last time I went out there was 6 months after he died. It was gut wrenching so I haven't been back. That was 2.5 years ago, so I felt I needed to go and try again. I didn't expect it to hit me as hard but on the way I started thinking about Brian and remembering all the funny stuff and fun times we had and I cried the whole way out there. It was a beautiful day so I just sat out by his grave for a while. I cried and prayed and laughed at some of the memories. I met Brian at work when I started working at AML. He was one of our IT guys. He was one of the most intelligent people I have ever known, although you could never tell it by looking at him. He was hilarious and always making some sort of joke. He was placed in my life during one of the most difficult times...my divorce. He let me cry on his shoulder and let me vent and was always there with some joke to make me laugh. He put up with people showing up at his house threatening him over me (Dwight's friends) and never blinked an eye about being my friend. He was an amazing person and I miss him dearly. He will always have a huge place in my heart and I can't wait to meet him again one day. His tombstone says "A Friend To All" and that is so true! Rest in Peace Brian ~I miss you~

June 1, 2009 ~ P.S ~

I had a dream about Adam Lambert last night. WHAT?!?!?!? Yeah, I did. He was my friend and I was watching him cut hair. I'm not completely sure, but I think I have a secret crush on him. I mean, I have the obvious crush on Kris Allen...he's precious...but yeah, secret crush on Adam. It's really weird.
~The End~

June 1, 2009 ~ This and That ~

Camryn's dad got her a phone. Yes, my 7 year old child has a phone...a touchscreen no less. She had been asking for a phone and it was just a crazy thought to me. She's always with me. So of course, I kept telling her no...maybe when she is 13 I'll consider it. Anyway...he sent her one...for whatever reason. So now I get text messages like this from time to time:

Or from the backseat of the car I'll get a text that says "hi" or like this morning when I was getting ready for work I get a text that says "dance stuff is ready" from her bedroom. I'm really not sure what I was thinking NOT getting her a phone...she OBVIOUSLY needed one!

So, she is officially a 2nd grader now. *sigh* That sounds so much older than 1st grade. She finished her 1st grade year with straight A's all year. I'm so proud of her! I don't know that I ever got straight A's. She's a smart little cookie and I am so thankful for that! She had to start daycare today. She was nervous and told me her hand was shaking. I absolutely hate leaving her somewhere she isn't comfortable but I know that's part of life and she will be fine. It's just so hard to know you child is nervous.

Yesterday my mom came over and we tackled the job of cleaning out my pool. It was nasty. We chose to do it in the middle of the day, which was really smart considering it was 93 degrees with not clouds. And to top it off, my house needs insulation so it doesn't cool. So to go inside to a house that was 83 degree's was not fun. Of course my mom did most of the work...it's just the way it goes. I was raised in a home with 3 first born children...so I'm not exactly one for having to work hard...everything was always done. lol Anyway, we got the yuck out and now we just need to scrub and fil'er up. Speaking of my Mom, today is her birthday!! Happy Birthday, Momma!

Saturday I got to spend some time with my sister. I met her at 9:30am and we went shopping. I need some new work clothes and I have NO fashion sense and can't match stuff...so we played What Not to Wear. I don't get to see her much so it was fun to spend a few hours together!

I guess that's about all the catching up I have for now!