August 31, 2009 ~ What Do You Do? ~

What do you do when your 7 year old daughter sits in the back seat of the car and cries because she missed her dad? How do you deal with that issue knowing he doesn't really care? Oh, he pretends to care when it's convenient for him. But in my mind I hear the numerous times I heard "I know a doctor who can fix that" when I was pregnant with her. I know that he once aborted a child and, although he tried to make it sound as a joke, he probably would have been totally fine with ending her life. I hear in my head the night she was a sick baby and was crying constantly and I was crying because my baby was sick and I couldn't make her better and he asked if I was glad I had a baby now. My response "of course I'm glad, she's sick and can't help it" and his answer "She's just a stupid F-ing baby that I didn't want in the first place". I see myself sitting on the bed with her beside me and the lap top being slammed on my hand and I cry out in pain and my baby, less than a year old standing next to me crying. I picture myself being held down to the bed by one of his hands with the other one raise in a fist while she was sitting right next to me watching it all. I feel the oatmeal as I cleaned it off of her face after he threw a full bowl at me while I was holding her. I remember the nights she was in the hospital and he didn't have enough concern to stay with her over night and suggested that I not stay. I count the nights after we divorced that he was supposed to have visitation with her, but left her with his parents to go party instead. This is what I hear, see and remember as this precious child sits in the back seat and cries because she misses him. What do you do? How do you deal with that? My heart aches because she cares for someone who she will one day realize doesn't care for her.
Oh God, PLEASE PLEASE hold her, please heal these broken down places in her soul that are there because of my not following Your will. The broken places of her heart that will come as she comes to realize that her earthly father is a terrible person. God please....Holy Spirit intercede I don't know how to pray....

August 27, 2009 ~ another wow ~

Why are you striving these days?
Why are you trying to earn grace?
Why are you crying?
Let me lift up your face
Just don't turn away

Why are you looking for love?
Why are you still searching?
As if I'm not enough?
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run?
To where will you run?

I'll be by your side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

Look at these hands at my side
They swallowed the grave on that night
When I drank the world's sin
So I could carry you in
and give you life

Here at my side wherever you fall
In the dead of night whenever you call
Please don't fight these hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you

And I, I love you
And I want you to know
That I, I'll love you
I'll never let you go.

~Tenth Avenue North; By Your Side

August 25, 2009 ~ Did That Really Just Happen? ~

Mornings in my house are full of "hurry up's", "Get Dressed", "Brush your teeth", "If you don't hurry you 're going to go to school naked". They overflow with last minute running around grabbing things we've forgotten, turning lights off and throwing some food in the dog bowl and putting on belts as we walk out the door. Today was no different. It doesn't seem to matter how early we wake up, we are always rushed. I've said many times "I'm lucky to get out of the house dressed". I'm sure we Mom's have all said that at one time or another...but did we mean it literally?
This morning I get to work, walk across the parking lot and come in the door with another girl as we chit chatted. Walk past 4 co-workers saying hi (or grunting as it usually comes out) to get to my desk. I put my purse in it's spot and sit down to turn on my computer. As I did this, I felt my arm on my side. I looked down and I DID NOT ZIP UP MY SHIRT!!!! I have on a shirt that zips down the side from under the arm pit to just a couple inches above the bottom, thus leaving my entire side, bra and all, open to the public. Humiliation! I said "OH MY GOSH" and jumped up to show a couple co workers what I had done. I mean, if everyone else saw it, why not include them?!?!? I couldn't believe no one said anything to me! *sigh* Maybe they didn't notice. So, when I said "I'm lucky to get out of the house dressed" in the mornings....I MEAN IT!

August 24, 2009 ~ Dessert ~

Here is a good and easy dessert I made up last night as my PMS was kicking in and I was in need of chocolate. I wanted to make no bake oatmeal cookies, but I didn't have enough sugar...however I did have some brownie mix...but didn't want plain brownies so I came up with this:

Make your brownies as called for on the box; in a 9x13 dish.
When they are almost done, melt 1/2cup peanut butter with 2 tbls butter (may need to use a little less peanut butter and may not need butter...I'm not sure, it just looked good and made me feel like a real cook to have to melt two things together...so, whatever, this ist he first time I've made it so it may need some tweaking).
Pour the melted peanut butter over the top of the brownies when you pull them out of the oven and then put it in the fridge for about 30 mins to cool. Sprinkle powdered sugar over the top and enjoy!

Camryn and I named this "Reeses peanut butter cup brownies" Original, I know. We are JUST that creative! :) Anway, she LOVED them and said they were delicious and that I make the best stuff...usually...but sometimes not! (Gee, thanks!)

August 20, 2009 ~I am Broken; And Never Have You Loved Me More ~

I am broken
A life crumbled in defeat
I am spilled out
So on my face I fall at Your feet
And never have you loved me more.

I am damaged
Worthlessness strangles me
I am torn apart
Smothered by inferiority
And never have You loved me more.

These wounds are too deep
This pain is too raw
My strength is fading
So before You I fall
And never have you loved me more.

My sobs cry out for healing
Each tear drop screams "No more pain".
Here I am before You weeping
All I can do is whisper Your name
And never have you loved me more.

August 18, 2009 ~ My Boys ~

Camryn's brothers have been in town for the past 2 weeks. We got the chance to see them last Wednesday and take them to a movie last Thursday. They are going back home this morning, so last night their mom let me spend some time with them. We went to eat and then took them by to see my parents. Ian is 16 and will be 17 in October and has his drivers permit so I let him drive. He really did impress me. He didn't try to show off or drive too fast or anything. He was very careful and did a really good job. I can remember when he wasn't even able to reach the pedals, I let him sit in my lap and steer around the block. Boy how time flies. Chance is 14 and as ornery as ever. No, he really has calmed down. We got to laugh about some of the things that happened when I was a part of their life full time. They had some questions about how I met their dad and the face that he always wanted me tot ell them I was older than I was. We laughed about me being 28 for the last 10 years. We talked about when Chance wrecked the dirt bike and the scar that I still have from it. It was a really good time. I love those boys as if they were my own even to this day. I'm so thankful that through the mess over the last 6 years we still have a special relationship. They will call and text from time to time not just to talk to their sister, but to talk to me. Every time we get off the phone they tell me they love me and I tell them the same. They are so very special to me and always will be.

August 13, 2009 ~ WOW ~

It's time for healing, time to move on,
it's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong;
it's time to find my way to where I belong

Chorus:
There's a wave that's crashing over me, and all I can do is surrender
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but somehow there's peace
And it's hard to surrender to what I can't see, but I'm giving in to something heavenly

Time for a milestone, time to begin again, re-evaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything - I surrender

Chorus:

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing insde of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe...
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but now I can see
This is something bigger than me
Larger than life
Something heavenly, something heavenly

Time fo face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out