Trust = vulnerability and weakness

I have trust issues...major trust issues. But the reasons behind those trust issues are numerous and extreme. Growing up I was taught your treat people how you want to be treated, tell the truth and you get in less trouble (i got a spanking once because I lied about something that I wouldn't have even gotten in trouble for in the first place). I lived a sheltered life. We were only around church people, good people, loving people. People, who if you needed them, they were there. In my high school years I went to a small, christian school. Not perfect by any means, but my friends there are life long friends. People I would trust with my life, and more importantly, my child's life. People I love to this day and would do anything for and I know they would do anything for me. I had this warped sense of the world. Maybe not so much "warped" as MY reality was completely different than what IS reality. December 11, 1999, reality slapped me in the face and has continued to do so ever sense. It seems like from that day to the present day one thing after another, after another, after another has proven to shake the ground of trust I stood on. "Friends" I had/have made since high school have turned out to not be friends, love has turned out to be full of hurt and lies. I sit back and watch and listen and all around me are lies and fake people...saying what you want to hear no matter how far from the truth it is. People covering up their mistakes, affairs and lives. So my lack of trust has 11 years of walls behind it.
Many relationships in my life have been crushed because of my lack of trust. In my mind, they want me to trust them so they can get by with something. I am not sure I want to trust. I don't even know that I can trust. When I start to think I should trust someone I almost start to panic at the thought. Today, I'm wondering why trust is such a hard thing. I'm supposed to let go of the past. Not compare people now to past people in my life but as I reflect on all that has happened, I have discovered that to me, trust equals weakness. And while that may not be true, that's how I feel.
I've had to fight for the past 11 years to disprove what was pounded it my head for the first 4 years after reality hit. I refuse to be weak again. I refuse to be a doormat. I refuse to be controlled. I refuse to be naive. I refuse to be played for a fool. All these things show signs of weakness. Therefore, I refuse to believe anything anyone tells me. I refuse to trust that people wont hurt me. I refuse to let anyone think they can get by with anything and play me for an idiot. I refuse to be blind. If I trust, I'm vulnerable, if I'm vulnerable, I'm weak. And I refuse to be weak again.
I know that God's strength is IN my weakness. My mind knows this. But my heart....my heart is the one that's shattered the one who puts up the walls. I just need my mind and my heart to coincide. But how? Because I don't even want to trust.

June 24, 2010 ~Polar Bears~

The other night we were watching some animal planet/discovery channel show. They were concerned for a momma polar bear and her two cubs because they were getting too close to civilization rather than being out where they needed to be so they could roam without danger or without endangering anyone else. What they had to do was shoot them with some tranquilizer, put them in a large net and have a helicopter move them to a better location. The bears were aware of what was going on, however, they could not move. Their muscles would not work. As I watched I imagined that the bears were probably wondering what was going on. Why this was happening to them, never knowing that all these people were doing was trying to move them into a better place. Safer, with more room to roam and live.

It struck me. There are times in our lives when we are getting too close to harm. It seems like everything is going wrong and things that seem so confusing are going on around us and to us. We almost feel paralyzed by fear or anger at what we have to go through, yet we can't seem to move. All the while, God is simply saying "Be still and know that I am God" while he gently picks us up and moves us into a better place where we are safe and can live.

So if you feel trapped by the net or paralyzed, aware of these things around you, but unable to move, rest assured that it is all for your good. God is simply moving you away from harm.

I love this song...

God loves a lullaby
In a mothers tears in the dead of night
better than a hallelujah sometimes.
God loves the drunkard's cry,
The soldiers plea not to let him die
Better than a Hallelujah sometimes.

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
the honest cries of breaking hearts
are better than a hallelujah

The woman holding on for life,
the dying man giving up the fight
are better than a hallelujah sometimes
tears of shame for what's been done,
the silence when the words wont come
are better than a hallelujah sometimes.

we pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
the honest cries of breaking hearts
are better than a hallelujah sometimes

Better than a church bell ringing,
Better than a choir singing out, singing out

We pour out our miseries
God just hears a melody
Beautiful the mess we are
The honest cries of breaking hearts
are better than a hallelujah

~Kinda a Big Deal~

When I moved back to Arkansas at 7 months pregnant I lived with my parents. Along with that I attended my parents church. It's just what I did. That was a difficult and scary time in my life and I felt safe being with them. It was where I needed to be at that time in my life, however, as time went on I felt that it was not the right place for Camryn and myself. The preacher there was the one who counseled Dwight and I when he was trying to get me back. He later told my parents that in 20 years of counseling he had never come across someone like Dwight and that was the first time he had ever feared for his own safety. So he knew the situation. When he left is when I really started to realize I needed to find a church home that was where God wanted us. Then one day my mom sent an email telling me that if I didn't feel that church was where Cam and I needed to be, that she and my dad wanted me to know that was fine. They know me well enough to know that I would stay so as not to hurt their feelings. They assured me I needed to do what God wanted me to do and they were 100% ok with that....confirmation. God always gives confirmation. So, a couple more years went by because I just didn't know where to try. One church kept popping up in my mind to go to but I kept thinking "it's so far away, I need to find something close".
That church was Vilonia Baptist Fellowship where my sister went for years. Whenever I would go visit, as strange as it may seem, always felt like home. The people were so nice and I LOVED LOVED LOVED the preaching. God ALWAYS spoke to me when I was there. One of my first times visiting was when I was going through a nasty divorce and custody battle. I can't remember what the sermon was about but it touched me and at the end of service I went down to the alter to pray. It was no time and my sister, her friend and the pastors wife where there with a hand on my back praying over me. HOME!
So, I kept putting that church out of my mind because of the drive. Until one day recently I was struggling with somethings and my friend Billie called to tell me she felt like God wanted her to talk to me. I went to her house and she was talking to me about this series of Restoration they were going through at church. She gave me a cd of the first sermon and told me when church started if I wanted to come, if not, she would continue to get me the cd's. I'm here to tell you that that series was LIFE CHANGING. I started going and even though that series has ended every single Sunday God speaks. After months of prayer, Camryn and I joined that church family this past Sunday. It's home, it's where God wants us. It may not seem like a big deal but it's a huge thing to me. It's a huge step and Camryn and I are so excited to see what God has in store for us and the church. (I know because that night while praying, Camryn said "thank you for letting us visit Mrs. Billie's church, we are just excited about that" when I told her we were not visiting we were members now she said "oh yeah, He knew what I meant"). Camryn was saved at age 6 but was never ready to be baptized. For a while now she has been begging to be baptized, so, we are going to get her set up to be baptized! We are so thankful for our new church home and can't wait to see where God leads!

Camryn,
This day gets me every year. It's your birthday! I wake up at 5:13am every year and pray over you while you are sleeping. I pray for Gods protection and blessing on you at the very time you came into this world. You are a beautiful example of what I need to be. You have grown up so much! You make me mad, you make me cry and you make me laugh...a lot! The second you were born I felt emotions like I never knew possible. Fear: from the moment they told me to STOP pushing because the cord was wrapped around your neck and they had to cut it before I could go any further. Love: unconditional from the moment I saw you. Unconditional love is such a powerful thing. Protection: from the time the nurse tried to take you and I didn't see her badge and stopped her to ask where it was. These feelings have not changed a bit. I love you with every breathe I take. You are my precious baby and always will be, even when you're 52 years old!

We have been through so much over the years. So much that you don't even know about. So much I want to protect you from and pray that God never allows you to go through. However, if He does, I pray His protection over you and I pray you grow through Him. There have been hard times. Times I wanted to give up, but you kept me going.


And now look where we are. Not looking back with regret or remorse but looking forward to many more years. I am blessed to have you. You were absolutely sent from God to rescue me.

I love you the mostest!!! Happy 8th birthday!

Momma