June 24, 2008 ~He had the little bitty baby's in His hands~

Last night was my first night alone since Camryn has gone to Vegas. Mind you, every other weekend I have one night alone, so this is nothing new to me. However, knowing that I’m going to have 7 more nights to follow is a TOTALLY different story. Going home from work yesterday, in itself, was strange. I’m not used to going straight home from work. I kept feeling like I was forgetting something. Anyway, when I got home I had a package with my birthday gifts from my friend Kyle who is in Iraq. Among the gifts was the movie I’ve been wanting to see…P.S. I Love You. I think to myself, what better to do tonight than to just sit down and watch a movie. So, I make my taco salad and put the movie on. No one decided to tell me that I would cry through the entire thing. It’s a romantic COMEDY…sheesh! Of course, I am the person who cried during the movie The Breakup..oh yeah, I also cried during an episode of Suite Life of Zack and Cody…*sigh* and those dang Mother’s Day commercials tend to get to me. Ok, ok, so it’s safe to say I’m emotional..moving on. After the movie was over I went to sit out on my deck and spend some time with my dog who I’m watching this week. I had no brilliant idea or magnificent breakthrough thoughts while I was out there. I did not ponder the meaning of life or get my head on straight. Nope, not me…I sat out there and cried like a baby. After several minutes of sobbing and snotting all over the place I decided to go in. I had already received a call from Camryn telling me that they had made it to Dallas. She was upbeat and said that she was scared a little, but she would do better on the next flight. I should be ok after that, right? Well, I wasn’t. All the thoughts of what could happen were running through my mind. It was around then that I got a call from Dwight telling me that during the pre flight check they found a problem with one of the tires on the plane so they were replacing it. I mentioned that I had been crying like a baby because I’m not used to being away from her for this long. To which he had the nerve to reply “now you know how I feel”. WHAT??? REALLY??? He wants to tell me that’s how he feels?!?!? This from the man who stood nose to nose with me when she was a baby and called her a “stupid f***ing baby that he didn’t want in the first place”??? The man who can’t even manage to pay his child support until I have it withheld from his check?? Is he her care giver 24 hours a day 7 days a week? Can he tell me what her favorite movie is, what her favorite foods are for the week? Does he wash her clothes? Get her to school ON TIME every day? Help her with homework? Give her a bath? Read with her? Play with her? Take her to church? Clean and cut her finger nails and toenails? Does HE have a special handshake with her? Can he tell me how many teeth she has lost? What size shoes and clothes she wears? Does he sacrifice so she can enjoy the things she loves? Is it his bed she comes to when she has a bad dream? Does he make sure she eats? Does he clean her ears and take her to the doctor? Does he know who her best friend is and when that changes? Does he know how she dreams about Timbo? Does he get the notes home from school when she’s been bad? Does he have to be the good guy and bad guy? Is he up all night when she’s sick? Did he change her diapers? Did he stay at the hospital when she was in there for 4 days at 10 months old? NO! How dare he have the audacity to tell ME now I know how HE feels!!! What I managed to say to him through my fury was “it’s not the same”. I never can think quick enough to tell someone off. Oh what I would give to be Julia Sugarbaker at a time like that. Dwight also mentioned that they would probably take her to Mandalay Bay to the wave pool and let her swim. Needless to say, my mind was in overdrive as I lay in bed trying desperately to get to sleep. All I could think about was what if something happens to the plane. What if they don’t watch her in the wave pool and something happens to her. I almost gave myself a panic attack with all the “what if’s”. No one can watch her like I would. They just don’t have it in them to protect her the way I can. But, where is my faith the The One who can protect her and watch her better than even me? What an amazing thought that the creator of the universe is watching her. The best babysitter ever..and He’s free! My heart knows this it’s just getting my mind around it that is the hard part. Oh how I wish I had the faith of Abraham who was willing to sacrifice his son and at the same time trusted God that it was the right thing. This week is going to be hard, I know that. I’m sure I’ll cry a lot more, but I have to lean on God during this difficult time, knowing that He has the whole world in his hands…He has the little bitty baby…MY little baby..in His hands.