Where to start??? It's no secret that I made a mistake when I got married at 18 yrs. old to a man I had only known for 6 months. However this is the first time I have really opened up and expressed some things in this manner. What I hope, in doing this, is that I may help even one person who has been or is in a situation like I was in. This is also a little therapy for me!Growing up I was very naive and believed that everyone was honest and good. Naturally, I believed everything my ex told me...that he loved me, that I changed who he was blah blah blah! It came as quite a shock when, on our honeymoon, he left me for 3 hours without telling me where he was going. In the first month of marriage the abuse began and I slowly began to learn that everything about him was a lie. I was kicked, slapped, backhanded in the face, spit on, pulled to the ground by my hair, locked in closets, choked, had numerous things thrown at me and had almost everything that was special to me broken. I was also told on almost a daily basis how horrible of a person I was, how lazy and no good I was, how I was a horrible mother (I had 2 step sons who I dearly love and who dearly love me to this day). I was told how fat and ugly I was and how I was lucky to have him. Abusive people beat you down mentally so that you actually believe that you cannot make it without them and that no one- family, friends or anyone really love and care for you. I was abused sexually, which you think would not happen in a marriage, but there are ways I have read about sexual abuse, and what I went through fits the mold. I was and am very blessed to have a great family who supported me and helped get me out of this situation. I have been divorced for 3 years, 2 months, 2 weeks and 4 days. February 24, 2004 was one of the best days of my life. I knew this was the best decision for my daughter and myself, however, a divorce is a traumatic thing to go through. What I have discovered recently is that after my divorce I just went on with life. I never took the time to acknowledge the pain and deal with it accordingly in order to heal and let go. I had a child to take care of and had no time for a pity party. I HAD to just get over it and go on...so I thought. Being a mom I naturally put my daughter and her feelings before my own. I have strived to make her life as normal as possible in this situation. However, what I failed to realize was that in order for her to have me be the Mother I need to be for her, I needed to take time to heal. It has been within the last couple weeks that this -moving on- and not healing has come back to bite me. Although it has been 3 years and I am over the heartbreak I have still yet to deal with what happened to me and get past the anger and bitterness that comes along with it. It is hard to trust again when the one person you expect to love you and protect you is the one person who has lied to you the most and the one who you actually need protection from. These things have caused me to become an angry person, and I have just realized this. I have been angry at the world and mostly angry at men. I have been bitter and hateful and resentful and it has caused me to miss out on some wonderful things in life. I have now taken the first steps in recovering from my past. I have admitted to myself that I am angry and bitter. However, I have decided to let that go. What I went through is and always will be a part of me and a part of what molds me. How I choose to allow it to mold me is all on me though. And until recently I have allowed it to control me causing me to be an ugly and untrusting person. I can't change what happened to me, but I can learn from it, grow, and let it go. This is what I am in the process of doing. In order to be the mother that Camryn needs me to be, the friend that my friends need me to be and one day the loving woman that special man will need me to be, I have to accept what happened, forgive and let it go. I understand, through a book I am reading, that it is not easy, however, I am justified in what I'm feeling. I'm not strange for being how I have been, but I am learning and must admit it feels great just knowing I'm not weird for having issues because of what I've been through. This is a process and I'm happy to say I've actually begun this "healing process" by letting go!
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